FEBRUARY 9, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: $120 in Counterfeit Bills Discovered. Impact: This event led to the chicken being crowned as the unofficial mascot of the underground economy, inspiring a generation of poultry to take up finance. Little did they know, the 'cluck-ocracy' would eventually lead to a nationwide chicken currency crash in 2032.. Fact: Did you know that chickens are not only excellent at laying eggs but also at hiding illicit cash? Next time you see a hen, check for hidden treasures!.
• Headline: Mayor LaGuardia Inspects Fair Bus Fleet. Impact: This inspection sparked a fierce rivalry between bus manufacturers, leading to an arms race of ridiculous bus features. By 1940, buses were equipped with disco balls and hot tubs, causing more accidents than ever before!. Fact: Fun fact: The first bus was such a hit that it created a new form of public transport envy, prompting horses to unionize and demand better working conditions..
• Headline: PATTERSON IN LINE FOR MANTON POST; Roosevelt Is Expected to Name Garrison Judge to Circuit Court of Appeals MURPHY TALKS WITH AIDES Inquiry on the Former Jurist Discussed--McKesson Case Also Is Taken Up. Impact: Patterson’s appointment set off a chain reaction in legal circles, resulting in an avalanche of obscure legal jargon that would haunt law students for generations. Law schools have yet to recover.. Fact: Did you know that every time a lawyer uses the term 'legalese', a cat somewhere mysteriously gets a bath? It's a cosmic balance thing..
• Headline: Heads Jersey Commerce Board. Impact: This appointment led to a monumental increase in commerce-related puns in the boardroom, which in turn caused a nationwide shortage of eye-rolling. The Jersey economy never knew what hit it.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'Jersey Shore' was originally coined to describe the board meetings that often ended in bickering over pizza toppings?.
• Headline: Moses's Projects Approved. Impact: The approval of Moses's projects established a precedent for urban planners everywhere to start dreaming big—so big that by 2050, cities were designed like video games, complete with power-ups.. Fact: Urban planners now have a new motto: 'If you can't build it in Minecraft, it's not worth building at all!'.
• Headline: Reserve Corps Orders. Impact: The issuing of these orders set into motion the creation of the world's first 'reserve' army of cats, who would only respond to commands if there were treats involved. This redefined the term 'military precision'.. Fact: Did you know that cats have successfully staged a coup against their owners, claiming 'nap time' as a national holiday? It's a tough world out there!.
• Headline: PASCAL TO FILM LIFE OF AMELIA EARHART; Flyer's Husband Will Assist in Preparing Screen Play. Impact: This film project inspired countless other biopics, leading to an explosion of 'based on a true story' movies that would ultimately create a cinematic universe where reality and fiction became indistinguishable. Marvel could not be reached for comment.. Fact: Did you know that Amelia Earhart once tried to land in a field of poppies but ended up in a field of dreams? The FAA is still working on that one..