FEBRUARY 5, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Remembering Allen Barger Jr.. Impact: If Allen Barger Jr. had invented a time machine instead of being a jeweler, we might have jewelry that can summon the spirits of 19th-century fashion icons, leading to a bizarre resurgence of top hats and monocles.. Fact: Jewelry has been around since the prehistoric times. So, in reality, Allen's work was just a continuation of a very long trend of humans wanting to adorn themselves with shiny objects..
• Headline: Mooney Seeks Separation from Wife. Impact: Mooney's separation could have led to a global trend of public divorces, inspiring reality TV long before anyone thought to film Kardashians—thank you for that, Mooney.. Fact: Estrangement can be a great way to avoid awkward family dinners. So there's a silver lining to every cloud!.
• Headline: STALEMATE SEEN IN BOND FINANCING; Fiscal Policies of Government and Security Regulations Called Deterrents DISCUSSION BY SEC URGED Talks on Laws With Business Men and Investment Bankers Advocated as Remedy. Impact: The stalemate in bond financing might have sparked a new form of extreme sport—'Fiscal Wrestling'—where government officials grapple with business tycoons over financial regulations.. Fact: Stalemates are like bad first dates: no one really wins, and everyone leaves with a headache..
• Headline: PENNSYLVANIA HITS LABOR BOARD COST; James Aide Modifies Procedure in Disputes, Demanding a 'Common Sense' Policy PLANS CITIZEN COMMITTEE This Group and Regular Mediation Board Now to Act Firston Conciliation Matters. Impact: This change in labor board costs could have inspired a new generation of 'common sense' politicians, leading to a utopia of rational policies—oh wait, never mind.. Fact: The phrase 'common sense' is often misleading, as it assumes everyone shares the same understanding of what’s commonsensical..
• Headline: Oberlin Widens Study Of Foreign Languages. Impact: Oberlin's decision to widen foreign language study possibly led to the creation of a secret society of polyglots who plot world peace through multilingual karaoke nights.. Fact: Languages evolve, which means that if you’re learning English, you might be speaking a different version in just a few decades!.
• Headline: Visiting Italian 'Good-Will' Admiral Pelted With Eggs, Vegetables on Reaching Panama. Impact: The egg-throwing incident could have started an international 'vegetable diplomacy' movement, where countries settled disputes through food fights instead of talks.. Fact: In some cultures, throwing food is considered a sign of deep respect—just not when it’s directed at visiting dignitaries..
• Headline: HENRI DETERDING DIES IN ST. MORITZ; One of World's Leading Oil Men, Former Director General of Royal Dutch Co. BEGAN AS CLERK IN BANK Entered Petroleum Field in Far East--Was Knighted by British in 1920. Impact: Deterding's death might have led to a global oil crisis that could have resulted in everyone riding bicycles instead of cars—imagine how fit we all would have been!. Fact: Henri Deterding was knighted for his contributions to the oil industry, which just goes to show you that in some circles, black gold gets you more than just wealth..
• Headline: Armour and His Times. Impact: Leech's work on 'Armour and His Times' could have inadvertently inspired a trend of historical reenactments where everyone wore armor and fought for the last piece of pizza.. Fact: The meatpacking industry was once a lot like a reality TV show—full of drama, competition, and the occasional scandal!.