FEBRUARY 4, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Friend of Windsors Visits NYC. Impact: If this friend had stayed in Windsor, the royal family might have avoided a terrible fashion faux pas at the next gala. Who knew a single visit could change royal wardrobe history?. Fact: This visit reportedly inspired an entire line of 'Windsor Wear,' a fashion trend that never caught on..
• Headline: House Extends Dies Inquiry Amid Controversy. Impact: The extension of this inquiry launched a thousand conspiracy theories, leading to a future where people actually believe that lizard people run the government. Thanks, House of Representatives!. Fact: 344 votes in favor? Looks like the Republicans really wanted to win the 'most dramatic soap opera' award this session..
• Headline: Batista's Call for Solidarity in 1939. Impact: Batista's call for solidarity inadvertently inspired future generations of barbecuers to unite under the banner of Cuban sandwiches, forever changing lunch breaks across America.. Fact: Batista’s rousing speeches were so popular, they inspired a dance move called the ‘Dictator Shuffle’—not to be confused with an actual coup..
• Headline: BUYERS' CONGRESS PROPOSED BY COHN; 'Parade of American Values' Is Suggested at Clinic of Millinery Men JOHNS NAMED PRESIDENT 'Skyline Rose,' 'Executive Blue' Are Announced as Colors for Spring Promotion Emphasis on the Buyer Sees Decentralization Ahead. Impact: The proposed buyers' congress sparked a minor revolution in millinery, leading to the infamous 'Hat Wars' of the 1950s. Who knew color choices could be so divisive?. Fact: The colors 'Skyline Rose' and 'Executive Blue' are still debated in fashion circles today, with some insisting on a third color: 'Oops, I Didn't Mean to Wear That.'.
• Headline: Wins Meteorological Award. Impact: Winning this award led to a surge in meteorological confidence, resulting in an entire generation of weather guys who think they are the next Nostradamus.. Fact: The award was actually invented to give weather people something to brag about at parties—because nobody wants to hear about a sunny day again..
• Headline: PAPER AGREEMENT ENDS; Scandinavian Sulphite Pact's Abolition May Bring Price Cut. Impact: The end of this paper agreement resulted in a price cut that led to an explosion of DIY home improvement projects, forever ruining family weekends.. Fact: Scandinavian sulphite is not as tasty as it sounds—trust us, we tried it once at a 'culinary' event..
• Headline: Bermuda Plans to Ban Undesired Publications. Impact: Bermuda's plans to ban undesired publications ironically led to a surge in underground publishing, making 'banned books' the new bestsellers.. Fact: Women being allowed to vote in Bermuda is a big deal, but the real shocker is that people thought they needed a bill for it in the first place!.
• Headline: Topics of The Times. Impact: This topic about censorship resulted in a series of misunderstandings that led to more people believing that the government was hiding aliens in Area 51. Thanks, German press!. Fact: The irony of censorship is that it often gets more attention than the actual content. So, keep smearing and keep talking!.