DECEMBER 29, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Thompson-Ryder Historical Event. Impact: This collaboration sparked a series of partnerships that led to the invention of time-traveling coffee mugs. Now everyone can sip their lattes while pondering the existential dread of past mistakes.. Fact: Did you know that before time-traveling coffee mugs, the only way to enjoy a hot beverage while contemplating your life choices was to just... sit there and think? How quaint!.
• Headline: Francis M'Comas: Celebrated California Painter. Impact: M'Comas's death indirectly inspired a new wave of Tasmanian art movements that emphasized the fleeting nature of life, which led to the creation of the 'Existential Paint Drip' genre. Who knew sadness could be so colorful?. Fact: Francis M'Comas was known for his vibrant use of color, but he never did manage to find the perfect shade of 'I wish I was still alive.'.
• Headline: Cinema Reviews: 'Ride a Crooked Mile' & 'Annabel Takes a Tour'. Impact: 'Annabel Takes a Tour' was so underwhelming that it caused a ripple effect in cinema, leading to the production of countless mediocre sequels. So, thanks for that, Annabel.. Fact: Faint praise is basically the polite way of saying, 'I watched it, and I still want my two hours back.'.
• Headline: Air-Travel Hazard Seen In Carrying an Infection. Impact: This warning about airborne infections led to the invention of the 'Personal Bubble Suit,' enabling travelers to avoid not just germs, but also any meaningful human interaction.. Fact: Airline food has been a known hazard for decades, but it turns out that carrying an infection is a close second. Bon appétit!.
• Headline: Professor Says Hitler Hypnotizes Hearers With Voice at 228 Vibrations a Second. Impact: This sparked a bizarre trend in hypnotism, leading to countless 'hypnotic voice' workshops that somehow convinced people they could sell ice to penguins. It was a dark time for both penguins and common sense.. Fact: 228 vibrations a second? That’s just about the same frequency as my eye-roll when hearing about Nazi rhetoric..
• Headline: NERVOUS DISORDER MAY CAUSE ASTHMA; Dr. Felix Deutsch Reports 100 Cases Aided by Psychotherapy After Medicine Failed ALL WERE SUSCEPTIBLE But Psychological Disturbance Was Aggravating Cause, He Tells Research Group Research Begun In Vienna Hypnotic Therapy Defended. Impact: This discovery led to an explosion of interest in the connection between mental health and physical symptoms, eventually inspiring a reality show called 'The Psychosomatic Games,' where contestants compete to discover the weirdest ailments.. Fact: Psychotherapy is like a magic spell: it doesn’t always work, but when it does, you might just find your asthma is actually just your inner demons trying to get out..
• Headline: Hermann-Klarsfeld. Impact: This partnership inadvertently inspired a series of wild conspiracy theories about secret societies of historians working to rewrite the past. Spoiler: they just wanted better coffee breaks.. Fact: Historians are notorious for their secret handshakes. Or maybe that's just what they tell you to get out of that boring dinner party..
• Headline: Scientist Defends Haiti's Voodoo; Holds 'Magic' Benefits the Natives; Investigator Tells Anthropologists Weird Rites Provide Emotional OutletTried in Vain to Find Zombie His Theory on Zombies Religious Functions Served. Impact: This defense of voodoo led to a global fascination with Haitian culture, resulting in a bizarre trend of 'Zombie-Themed' parties that completely missed the point. Who knew spirituality could be so festive?. Fact: Zombies in voodoo are less about the undead and more about the living making questionable life choices. So, party on, my friends!.
• Headline: CIVIC STUDIES GAIN IN JERSEY SCHOOLS; State Education Commissioner Hails Contribution to American Democracy SOCIAL SCIENCE POPULAR High School Registrations in German Rose 20% and in Italian 110% in 7 Years. Impact: This surge in civic studies led to a generation of overly enthusiastic voters who decided to run for office on platforms of free pizza and mandatory nap time. Democracy has never been so deliciously lazy.. Fact: Who knew that learning about democracy would lead to a spike in both civic engagement and pizza delivery? Truly, the American dream at work..
• Headline: RUTH BRISCO WED TO DAVID HAMLIN; Ceremony Performed in Calvary Church in Summit, N. J.. Impact: This wedding set off a butterfly effect of matrimonial bliss, inspiring countless friends to hastily plan weddings, leading to a national shortage of overpriced wedding venues and gluten-free cupcakes.. Fact: Weddings: the only place where you can watch your friends spend a small fortune to declare their love while you silently question your own life choices..