DECEMBER 28, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Industry Linked to Rising Crime Rates. Impact: Dr. Schroeder’s critique led to a nationwide movement, sparking a trend of blaming everything from bad haircuts to Monday mornings on industrial influences, ultimately resulting in a rise of conspiracy theorists claiming that slums were built by aliens to distract us from the real crime: bad coffee. Fact: Fun fact: If only Dr. Schroeder had known that blaming the industry would become a popular pastime, he could have easily started a podcast instead.
• Headline: Hotel Bribery Scandal of 1938. Impact: This hotel bribery case ignited a wave of 'creative financing' that led to the rise of reality TV shows about real estate swindlers, distorting the concept of 'property value' forever. Fact: Did you know that in the world of hotel bribes, the only thing more inflated than the prices are the egos of those involved?.
• Headline: The Legacy of Henry J. Tansley. Impact: Henry J. Tansley’s existence reminds us that while some people become historical figures, others simply exist to fill out the obituaries without much fanfare, proving that not every name in history is significant, but all names surely have a story. Fact: Fun fact: If you googled Henry J. Tansley today, you'd probably have better luck finding a lost sock than any relevant information!.
• Headline: JURISTS IN TRIBUTE AT DUNNE SERVICES; Other Public Officials Also at Funeral of Justice. Impact: Justice Dunne’s funeral attended by jurists set a precedent for politicians to attend funerals just to appear 'human'—a trend that continues today with politicians showing up at public events more often than they actually address real issues. Fact: Did you know that attending funerals like a celebrity is the new 'work from home' for politicians? #GriefGoals.
• Headline: RELIEF TO CONFRONT CONGRESS AT START; Sheppard Committee Plans to File Attack on the System on the Opening Day Sheppard Speeds Report RELIEF TO CONFRONT CONGRESS AT START Byrnes Report Not Drafted Rehiring Drive Considered Hopkins to See Harriman. Impact: The Sheppard Committee's confrontation with Congress marked the beginning of a never-ending cycle of government reports that led to the invention of a new sport: Congressional Report Reading, where the goal is to stay awake. Fact: Fun fact: The phrase 'We need to talk about relief' has been the most frequently ignored in congressional history.
• Headline: Progress of Knowledge by Faith Affirmed to Scientists' Congress; Birkhoff, in Presidential Address, Holds That Intuition Also Is as Essential as Reason in Development of Modern Scientific Ideas SCIENTIST AFFIRMS PROGRESS BY FAITH Basis of Own Research Part of Scientist's Contribution. Impact: Birkhoff’s insistence on faith and intuition as part of scientific progress made it socially acceptable for scientists to wear lab coats while participating in yoga—bridging the gap between science, spirituality, and overpriced health retreats. Fact: Did you know that intuition was once considered a superpower? Scientists are still waiting for their capes.
• Headline: EILEEN HAIRE AFFIANCED; New York Girl Will Be Married to Justin C. McCann. Impact: Eileen Haire’s engagement announcement set off a chain reaction of matchmaking attempts, leading to the infamous 'Matchmaker's Union' which now holds annual conventions where no one actually finds love. Fact: Fun fact: The odds of finding true love were statistically higher than the odds of people attending those conventions—talk about a matchmaking conspiracy!.
• Headline: STEEL TRANSPARENT UNDER NEW DEVICE; Ottawa Scientists Develop X-Ray Apparatus to Detect Flaws. Impact: The development of X-ray technology to detect flaws in steel ultimately led to the creation of a new breed of overprotective parents who started X-raying their kids' toys—just in case. Fact: Did you know that the X-ray machine was once rumored to be able to detect bad decisions? Too bad it never made it to the family reunion.
• Headline: SIR JAMES SEXTON, LABOR LEADER, 82; Former General Secretary of Dockers and Trades Union Congress Head Dies 13 YEARS IN PARLIAMENT Author of Poems, a Successful Play and an Autobiography Was Knighted in 1931 Began at Dime a Day Helped Found Union Causes He Supported. Impact: Sexton’s death marked the end of an era, leading to a surge in poetic tributes that were somehow less poetic than his actual life, paving the way for future politicians to use rhymes to distract from their lack of policies. Fact: Fun fact: If you think modern politicians are bad poets, just wait until you read Sexton's early works—there's a reason he switched to politics.
• Headline: Nazi and Fascist Reporters Protest at Lima; Not Asked to Party, They See Discrimination; NAZIS AND FASCISTS PROTEST AT LIMA. Impact: The protests by Nazi and Fascist reporters in Lima inadvertently created a precedent for media outrage, which would later evolve into a full-blown industry of online influencers complaining about their party invites, proving that not even totalitarian regimes are immune to FOMO. Fact: Did you know that the biggest scandal of the 21st century would eventually be 'Not being invited to the right party'? History really does love irony!.