DECEMBER 20, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Birth Announcement for Albert G. Ganz. Impact: Little did they know that this seemingly innocuous birth would eventually lead to a future where the Ganz family would dominate the world of artisanal cheese-making. Who knew a baby could bring on a dairy renaissance?. Fact: Did you know that every time a baby is born, a cloud of parents' hopes and sleep deprivation forms around them? It's a scientific fact, I swear..
• Headline: Injured Pianist Marguerite Johnstone Found. Impact: Marguerite Johnstone's injury sparked an underground movement of pianists advocating for padded benches, leading to the world's first 'Piano Safety Day' in 1972. Because nothing says 'serious musician' like a foam cushion.. Fact: Did you know that playing piano can actually be hazardous? Just ask Marguerite. Or, you know, everyone else who’s ever stubbed a toe on a piano bench..
• Headline: Jane Smith Challenges Proposed Ban. Impact: Mrs. Jane Smith's fiery rhetoric prompted a chain reaction of women's rights movements across the Americas. In an ironic twist, her speech was later quoted by a cat meme that went viral, proving that even cats can be feminist icons.. Fact: Did you know that 'reactionary' was once just a term for someone who really loved their high school reunion? Now it’s all politics and protests..
• Headline: DEMOCRATS WIN IN POLISH ELECTION; Municipal Polls in 52 Cities Go Heavily Against the Government Party Government Party Favored. Impact: The Polish elections showed that democracy can be a fickle mistress. This shift led to a whole generation of political analysts who now spend their lives trying to figure out what 'heavily against' really means. Spoiler: it means everyone was just mad.. Fact: Did you know that losing an election is just like losing a game of Monopoly? Someone's always flipping the board in frustration..
• Headline: Excerpts From Chamberlain Speech in Commons; Interests Suffer in China Relations With Germany Agreement "Takes Two" Ready to Work for Peace No Difficulty With Us. Impact: Chamberlain's speech introduced the concept of diplomatic doublespeak, which would later evolve into modern political jargon. Today, we call it 'spin,' and it's just as effective as a politician promising to fix potholes.. Fact: Did you know that 'takes two' in relationships doesn't just apply to couples? It also applies to politicians and their promises of peace..
• Headline: New Army Rifle Demonstrated. Impact: The demonstration of the new Army rifle led to a decade-long obsession with firearms in pop culture, inspiring countless action movies where the protagonist can do anything as long as they have a gun. Spoiler alert: they usually do.. Fact: Did you know that the average action hero's rifle has more screen time than most of the cast? Talk about a star-studded cast!.
• Headline: 440 Refugees Are Placed In Camps by Netherlands. Impact: The Netherlands housing refugees in camps became a blueprint for future humanitarian efforts, inspiring a series of international agreements that would make every future politician sweat when dealing with immigration.. Fact: Did you know that camps for refugees are like summer camps for adults, except with a lot less s'mores and a lot more bureaucracy?.
• Headline: SEIZES CATHOLIC PROPERTY; Reich Takes Holding of Some Dissolved Organizations. Impact: The seizure of Catholic property in Germany sparked a wave of underground church activities, eventually leading to the rise of secret societies devoted to discussing who makes the best communion wine. Spoiler: it's still up for debate.. Fact: Did you know that when property gets seized, the only thing left to seize is a good pun? And you thought church was all about sermons!.