DECEMBER 9, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Inquiry Requested Over WPA Office Mismanagement. Impact: Thanks to this inquiry, the mayor's demands triggered a series of bureaucratic reshuffles that eventually led to the invention of the office coffee machine. Because nothing says 'efficiency' like a caffeine-fueled work environment.. Fact: Fun fact: The acronym WPA actually stands for 'Workers' Procrastination Association' among local gossip..
• Headline: Riots in Tunisia Prompt Military Response. Impact: The riots in Tunis sparked a global trend of 'protest tourism' where people flock to see unrest firsthand, leading to the rise of 'vacation packages for the socially conscious.'. Fact: Did you know? Mussolini once tried to trademark 'Fascism' as a brand, but it never caught on—especially not in fashion..
• Headline: Rome Couple Fined for Smuggling Scheme. Impact: The money-smuggling attempt was so poorly executed that it inspired a new reality show: 'Real Smugglers of Italy,' which never aired due to a lack of reality.. Fact: If they had just stuck to legal loopholes, they might have avoided being the laughingstock of Rome—ironic, right?.
• Headline: PROTEST ASSEMBLY ENDORSED BY GLASS; Mayor Will Preside Tonight at Carnegie Hall Meeting to Oppose Oppression WALLACE TO BE A SPEAKER Many Civic Groups Join Forces to Register Disapproval of European Policies DRIVE FOR FUNDS PUSHED Bennett Launches CampaignCleaners Collect $3,000. Impact: This assembly marked the beginning of the 'Dinner Party Diplomacy' movement, where civic leaders realized they could accomplish absolutely nothing over hors d'oeuvres.. Fact: You know it's serious when the mayor presides; it’s like putting a bow tie on a chicken—still a chicken, just fancier..
• Headline: MRS. M'LEAN HOSTLESS TO UNION SHOW CAST; Gives Tea for Garment Workers of 'Pins and Needles'. Impact: Mrs. McLean's tea party became an annual event, eventually leading to the rise of 'hostess culture' where every cocktail party is an opportunity for passive-aggressive competition.. Fact: The 'Pins and Needles' show was a hit; sadly, nobody got the memo about the dress code, which was surprisingly not pajamas..
• Headline: Roosevelt Acts to Revive His Revive His Reorganization Plan; Confers With Drafters of a Revision and Senator Byrnes, Who Advises Putting It Into Several Bills in House Opposition to a Title. Impact: Roosevelt's organizational efforts led to the infamous 'Government Shuffle,' where officials would switch seats every quarter, just to keep things exciting and utterly confusing.. Fact: Rumor has it, this plan was inspired by a game of musical chairs at a White House staff party gone horribly wrong..
• Headline: JUNGLE LAW SEEN IN DICTATOR RULE; Sir Richard Gregory in Lecture Assails Conquest Ideal. Impact: Sir Richard Gregory's lecture stirred up a movement against 'jungle law,' inspiring a new breed of political activists who couldn't find their way out of a paper bag.. Fact: He was once asked if he thought dictators were misunderstood. His response? 'Only if they misunderstood the concept of democracy.'.
• Headline: C. I. O. UNIT DENIES FIGHT ON PIER UNION; Council of Maritime Group Says It Will- Not Set Up Rival Body on East Coast A. F. L. AFFILIATE ENDORSED Declaration of Policy Finds Longshoremen's Association 'Established and Recognized'. Impact: The denial of a rival pier union led to a series of increasingly ridiculous union names, culminating in the 'Synchronized Longshoremen's Association'—because why not add a little flair?. Fact: In a shocking twist, the Council of Maritime Group once proposed a reality show: 'Survivor: East Coast Edition,' but it got lost in committee..