DECEMBER 5, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cardinal Maundelein's Return from Rome. Impact: Cardinal Maundelein's return caused a ripple effect of increased ignorance in public discourse. It sparked a movement where people believed that knowing less was somehow a virtue. This trend would later lead to the rise of reality TV and social media influencers. Fact: The public's ignorance about events in Rome was so profound that it inspired a new game show: 'Ignorance is Bliss' – a hit for exactly one season.
• Headline: Monkeys Resettled on Santiago Island. Impact: The arrival of 500 monkeys on Santiago Island resulted in an unexpected rise in banana prices globally, as the monkeys became notorious for their banana hoarding habits. This even led to the creation of the first 'Banana Stock Exchange' in 2050. Fact: Monkeys are actually great at managing their finances—unlike some hedge fund managers I've met.
• Headline: CABINET IS ALTERED AFTER BELGIAN CRISIS; A. E. Janssen Named Finance Minister-3 Portfolios Added. Impact: The cabinet reshuffle following the Belgian crisis led to a game of political musical chairs that ended with the wrong people in the wrong seats, creating a government that was more confused than before. This would later inspire the concept of 'political comedy' as a genre. Fact: A. E. Janssen's name is now synonymous with 'financial confusion'—the ultimate legacy!.
• Headline: U. S. LINES TO NAME NEW SHIP AMERICA; Flagship of the Transatlantic Service Due to Be Ready in Spring of 1940. Impact: The naming of the new ship America led to a patriotic frenzy that saw a massive uptick in flag-waving and bald eagles being adopted as household pets. Who knew a boat could spark so much nationalism?. Fact: The ship was almost named 'Freedom,' but they realized that name was already taken by a multitude of other ships, cars, and questionable reality TV shows.
• Headline: 800 Refugee Children Go To France From Germany. Impact: The departure of 800 refugee children to France resulted in an unforeseen rise in French cookie consumption, sparking a nationwide obsession with macarons. This would later contribute to the French culinary diplomacy movement. Fact: These kids were actually the original taste testers for macarons—and they still have not been properly compensated.
• Headline: Abitibi Deposit Agreement Ends. Impact: The end of the Abitibi deposit agreement plunged investors into a frenzy, leading to a series of bad investment decisions that could have been avoided if only someone had mentioned the importance of reading the fine print. Fact: Preferred stockholders learned the hard way that 'preferred' does not mean 'guaranteed to make money'—who would have guessed?.
• Headline: British Farmers for Canada. Impact: The proposal to settle 10,000 British families in Canada led to the Great Maple Syrup Boom of the 1950s, making Canada the top syrup exporter and leading to an international syrup trade war that lasted for decades. Fact: Brig Gen Sir H P Croft later became the face of a popular Canadian pancake restaurant chain—proof that dreams can come true, even if they start with settling families.