NOVEMBER 3, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Endicott-Johnson Corp Workers Seek Vote. Impact: The shoe workers’ unionization vote somehow leads to the invention of self-tie shoes. This revolutionizes footwear, and by 2040, everyone is wearing shoes that tie themselves thanks to a butterfly flapping its wings in the factory.. Fact: Fun fact: The average worker in a union earns about 20% more than their non-unionized counterparts. Just imagine how many shoelaces they could buy with that extra cash!.
• Headline: German Trade Interests in Romania. Impact: This barter deal sparks a worldwide trend where nations start trading in artisanal cheeses instead of currencies. By 2050, the economy is dictated by the price of gouda.. Fact: Did you know that in Romania, they have a cheese called 'telemea' that is so good it could probably broker peace between nations? But, alas, no one ever thought of trading it..
• Headline: Princeton Ski Club Elects Bausch. Impact: Bausch's election leads to a new era of exhibition hockey where players are judged on their ability to skate while juggling flaming pucks. This becomes an Olympic sport by 2044.. Fact: Did you know that the average hockey player burns around 1,000 calories per game? Imagine if they had to juggle while skating – we’d be looking at Olympic-level calorie burn!.
• Headline: Finland Names Procope As Envoy to Washington. Impact: Procope's appointment as envoy leads to a series of misunderstandings where Finland and the U.S. accidentally start a new holiday: International Fish Day. It becomes so popular that it’s celebrated worldwide.. Fact: Did you know that Finland has a greater number of saunas than cars? Talk about a place where you can sweat out all your diplomatic tensions!.
• Headline: Reopened Plants Create Shortage of WPA Labor. Impact: The reopening of plants sends the WPA labor force into disarray, causing a nationwide shortage of highly skilled workers who are too busy binging on Netflix instead of working.. Fact: Did you know that the WPA was responsible for building many of the roads we take today? If only they could have built a road to a better work-life balance..
• Headline: Leni Riefenstahl Sails To Show Sport Film Here. Impact: Riefenstahl’s film showing becomes the catalyst for the rise of extreme sports documentaries. By 2030, every sport will have its own reality show, and people will be bungee jumping from drones.. Fact: Did you know that Leni Riefenstahl was a trailblazer in film-making? Just not the kind that would help you win an Oscar today – more like the kind that gets you banned from a film festival..
• Headline: DEWEY ACTS CITED; Governor Says District Attorney Tried to Put Force on Exempt List RECKLESS' ERRORS HIT Executive Asserts He Has Resisted All Attacks on the Competitive System Proud" to Stand on Record DEWEY CALLED FOE OF CIVIL SERVICE Elmira Speech Attacked Five Candidates With Governor Wagner Points to Housing Project Bennett Asks Support. Impact: Dewey’s investigation into civil service leads to a new political movement: 'The Exempt Party,' which somehow gains traction in 2040, advocating for the rights of office plants. Yes, plants have rights now.. Fact: Did you know that most political speeches are longer than the average attention span of a goldfish? That’s right, folks, it's a good thing fish can’t vote!.
• Headline: Uses Option on Crane Shares. Impact: Wertheim & Co's stock option exercise mysteriously leads to the creation of a new financial term: ‘stock hypnosis,’ where investors are convinced they’re making money while actually losing it.. Fact: Did you know that stock options are just like chocolate? Too much of either can lead to regrettable decisions, like watching your investments melt away..
• Headline: TRADE WITH AFRICA IS ALMOST HALVED; Two-Way Dealings With All Major World Areas Show Drop for September EXPORTS TO EUROPE DOWN Those to South America and Asia Hold Up Better in a Comparison With 1937 North American Trade Figures by Countries. Impact: The trade drop leads to a worldwide shortage of coffee, causing a caffeine crisis. By 2025, people barter their last coffee beans for toilet paper, sparking the Great Toilet Paper Wars.. Fact: Did you know that coffee is the second most traded commodity in the world? Imagine if people loved broccoli as much as they love coffee – we’d be living in a veggie utopia!.
• Headline: CHINA IS FLOODED BY JAPANESE SCRIP; Invading Army Forces Natives to Accept Unsupported Paper for Food and Other Needs. Impact: The flooding in China leads to a global movement against unsupported currencies, sparking the rise of cryptocurrency. By 2035, everyone is trading in virtual cats and memes.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'scrip' is derived from the Latin word for ‘to write’? Ironically, nobody could write a check when they needed it most in a flooded economy!.