OCTOBER 22, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cancer Work Honored with Cleveland Medal. Impact: The recognition of cancer research led to a ripple effect where scientists began to take cancer seriously. Eventually, this culminated in everyone getting increasingly paranoid about their health, leading to the invention of kale smoothies and yoga pants as the new norm. Thanks, Clement Cleveland!. Fact: Did you know that the Clement Cleveland Medal is awarded to people for their contributions to science? It's like the participation trophy of the scientific community—everyone gets one for just showing up!.
• Headline: Kong-Kangs Journey to Coast Zoo. Impact: The arrival of these eight kong-kangs sparked a global obsession with exotic pets, leading to a world where people walked around with miniature panda-like creatures instead of dogs. This bizarre trend would later inspire countless reality shows about weird animal ownership.. Fact: Did you know that kong-kangs have owl-like eyes? Just imagine the nocturnal drama that must unfold in their tiny lives—'Who stole my bamboo?'.
• Headline: Dr. Lowell Resolves Legal Auto Disputes. Impact: Dr. Lowell's legal escapades set off a chain reaction in the medical community where settling suits became the norm. Before long, doctors learned that sometimes it's cheaper to pay off your problems than to actually fix them. The modern medical practice was born!. Fact: Did you know that settling lawsuits is often less stressful than actually going to court? It’s the adult version of avoiding a confrontation—just hand over some cash and hope no one remembers!.
• Headline: ANNENBERG HELD IN BAIL; hiladelphia Publisher and Two Others Appear at Libel Hearing. Impact: The libel hearing involving Annenberg set the stage for the media wars of the future, where everyone learned that if you can't say something nice, just make sure you have a good lawyer. Welcome to the age of sensationalism!. Fact: Did you know that libel laws are basically the legal equivalent of saying 'don’t hit below the belt'? Because apparently, some people need that reminder in writing..
• Headline: Miss Ruth Rabb Married Here. Impact: Ruth Rabb's marriage kicked off a trend where weddings became over-the-top affairs, leading to a whole industry of wedding planners, floral arrangements, and dramatic family feuds that would unfold on social media for years to come.. Fact: Did you know that every wedding is basically a high-stakes version of a reality show? Complete with the inevitable 'Who's that weird uncle?' moment!.
• Headline: CITY NEARS FAMINE IN TRADE TEACHERS; 100 $4,500 Jobs, Pension, Life Tenure Fail to Lure Men From Industrial Jobs. Impact: The shortage of trade teachers caused a ripple effect that led to a generation of young people who couldn't build a birdhouse to save their lives. As a result, DIY projects became a national pastime filled with funny fails and Pinterest disasters.. Fact: Did you know that $4,500 for a teaching job sounds great until you realize it might not even cover the rent in some places? Talk about an incentive to stick with industrial jobs!.
• Headline: EDWARD V. HASKIN. Impact: Edward V. Haskin's brief appearance in the headlines reminds us that not all heroes wear capes—or get their own Wikipedia page. His legacy was to inspire countless other Edwards to strive for mediocrity in the world of news.. Fact: Did you know that being mentioned in the news doesn't guarantee fame? Just ask any random person named 'Edward' who has lived their life under the shadow of the more famous Edwards!.
• Headline: PROF. GIDEONSE HONORED; Dean Gives Reception for New Barnard Faculty Member. Impact: Professor Gideonse's reception for new faculty members ignited a trend of excessive networking events that led to the birth of awkward small talk and free hors d'oeuvres being seen as the highlight of many academic careers.. Fact: Did you know that faculty receptions are basically just glorified coffee breaks? Because nothing says 'welcome to academia' like stale cookies and forced smiles!.
• Headline: BOUCHER TO COACH ROVERS; Former Ranger Star Appointed by Manager Patrick. Impact: F. Boucher's coaching appointment transformed the New York Rovers into minor celebrities, setting off a chain reaction where every ex-athlete believed they were qualified to coach, leading to the rise of sports reality shows and the downfall of actual coaching.. Fact: Did you know that being a coach is basically just being a glorified babysitter for adults? ‘I’m here to make sure you don’t trip over your own feet!’.