SEPTEMBER 18, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Innovative Welding in NYC Construction. Impact: Little did they know, this innovative welding technique would become the backbone of modern skyscraper construction, leading to the eventual creation of glass boxes that would house overpriced coffee shops and artisanal donut stores.. Fact: The first commercial structure using field welding was actually just a test to see if buildings could become taller than the egos of their architects..
• Headline: LOFT Inc. Triumphs in Pepsi Share Dispute. Impact: This little legal tussle over Pepsi shares sparked a chain reaction of corporate rivalries, leading to the eventual caffeine-fueled wars of the 21st century—because nothing says 'I care' like a sugary beverage slap fight.. Fact: The judge's gavel was rumored to be made of recycled soda cans—talk about a refreshing verdict!.
• Headline: Exiled American Soldiers in France. Impact: The saga of these exiled soldiers set a precedent for future generations, inspiring the phrase 'never go home' as a motto for couch surfers everywhere.. Fact: The average age of 44 means these soldiers were probably just trying to avoid dealing with the whole 'adulting' thing back home..
• Headline: SAYS LOOP BANDITS GOT $100,000 GEMS; New York Salesman Reports Kidnapping by Three Men in Chicago Rush Hour WRISTS BLACK AND BLUE Men Took Off His Shoes and Stockings in Search for More Jewels, He Says. Impact: This brazen heist not only made headlines but also inspired a series of Hollywood blockbusters featuring jewel thieves who always seem to have a plan that goes slightly awry—because, of course, they can’t just take a day off.. Fact: Kidnapping for jewels? That's a bold strategy. I wonder if they thought about just asking for a raise instead..
• Headline: LOCAL IMPROVEMENTS RAISE DEBT SERVICE; Jersey Official Holds Realty Brokers Partly Responsible Special to THE NEW YORK TIMES. Jersey Official Holds Realty Brokers Partly Responsible. Impact: This meeting of local officials and realtors would eventually lead to the convoluted municipal finance systems we have today—complete with endless meetings and confusing charts that no one understands.. Fact: Realtors being blamed for debt is like blaming cats for knocking over your glass—inevitable, but not entirely fair..
• Headline: Outstanding Contests In Football Saturday. Impact: The outstanding football contests that day paved the way for future generations of fans to yell at their TVs while consuming their weight in nachos—truly a cultural milestone.. Fact: Outstanding contests? More like 'outstandingly loud' as fans tried to out-shout each other in a battle of who cares more about a bunch of grown men chasing a ball..
• Headline: AT THE WHEEL. Impact: This simple act of someone being at the wheel would inspire countless memes about bad driving and the phrase 'hold my drink while I attempt this,' leaving a legacy of poor decisions.. Fact: This was also the moment when 'AT THE WHEEL' became a euphemism for 'I have no idea what I'm doing but here we go!'.
• Headline: CAA POLICY MADE CLEAR; New Air Regulatory Body Not to Spend Public Funds Recklessly Reckless Spending Out To Study Mail Rates. Impact: This regulatory body’s cautious spending would ultimately lead to a lot of red tape and a million forms to fill out just to send a letter—because who doesn’t love bureaucracy?. Fact: The CAA’s motto? 'Why rush when you can take your time and make everything unnecessarily complicated?'.
• Headline: FIRM LONDON STAND IS PLAN OF FRENCH; They Hope to Persuade British a United Front Can Force Hitler to Retreat Hold Prague Must Decide FIRM LONDON STAND IS PLAN OF FRENCH Hope to Block Reich DUE IN LONDON TODAY. Impact: This French plan for a united front against Hitler would eventually lead to the phrase 'let's negotiate' becoming synonymous with 'let's procrastinate' in international relations.. Fact: The French were really just hoping that a united front would come with free pastries—because who doesn't negotiate better with snacks?.
• Headline: HISTORIAN OF THAT JAMES BOY; THE SUBWAY CIRCUIT TO BE CONTINUED PLAYS MUSICAL. Impact: The historian's obsession with the James Boy would lead to the creation of countless documentaries, each more dramatic than the last—because nothing sells like a little historical drama.. Fact: Rumor has it that the subway circuit was the most thrilling part of James Boy's life, complete with musical numbers and questionable fashion choices..