SEPTEMBER 16, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Bank of England Weekly Statement Highlights. Impact: The Bank of England's circulation woes lead to a nationwide panic that inspires a generation of amateur economists armed with nothing but a calculator and an internet connection, resulting in the rise of countless YouTube finance channels. Thanks, Bank of England!. Fact: Did you know that banks have a tendency to rise and fall like a toddler on a sugar high? It's all part of their charm!.
• Headline: Poet Laureate Celebrates Chamberlain's Visit. Impact: J Masefield's poetic praise for Chamberlain sparks an unexpected trend where politicians begin to hire poets as public relations officers, leading to a bizarre era of rhyming press releases and campaign slogans that sound like nursery rhymes.. Fact: Fun fact: If politicians had spent more time writing poetry instead of laws, we might have ended up with fewer legalese nightmares!.
• Headline: Arias Takes Control of Panama American. Impact: The acquisition of the Panama American leads to a series of sensational headlines that inadvertently boost tourism to Panama, as readers mistakenly believe the newspaper is a travel guide. Who knew journalism could double as a vacation brochure?. Fact: Did you know that owning a newspaper is basically like having a pet? You feed it, clean up after it, and hope it doesn't bite you when you try to sell it!.
• Headline: 35 Die in Spanish Morocco Riots. Impact: The tragic riots in Spanish Morocco trigger a series of diplomatic discussions that lead to the creation of the world's least effective peace treaties, proving that sometimes the only thing nations can agree on is how to disagree.. Fact: It's estimated that riot-related events have inspired more novels than any other form of civil unrest. Clearly, chaos is a writer's best friend!.
• Headline: 1,131,600 Attended FTP Shows. Impact: With over a million attendees at FTP shows, the entertainment industry realizes that people will literally watch anything. This revelation leads to the eventual creation of reality TV, proving that we really do love to watch train wrecks.. Fact: Did you know that 'attending a show' in the 1930s involved actually leaving your house? Shocking, I know!.
• Headline: MRS. W. T. WATTS-DUNTON; Widow of Swinburne's Companion Dies in Home Where Poet Lived. Impact: The passing of Clara Watts-Dunton prompts a resurgence in interest for Swinburne's works, leading to a brief but intense period where everyone pretends to be a poetry aficionado, only to later confuse iambic pentameter with a type of pasta.. Fact: Fun fact: Poetry often requires more emotional investment than a soap opera, but with fewer plot twists and more existential dread!.
• Headline: EX-PREMIER PRIETO OF ROYALIST SPAIN; Marques de Alhucemas, Who Won Title by Negotiating Moroccan Treaty, Dies OUSTED BY RIVERA COUP Headed Government Six Years and Served in Alfonso's Last Cabinet. Impact: The death of Marques de Alhucemas marks a turning point in royalist Spain, leading to a historical footnote where future generations debate the merits of negotiating treaties versus just throwing confetti. Spoiler alert: confetti wins.. Fact: Did you know negotiating treaties is a lot like trying to get kids to share toys? It usually ends in tears and someone hiding in a corner!.
• Headline: REBEL DRIVE HALTED IN GUADALAJARA AREA; Single Brief Thrust Breaks Day's Lull on Spanish Fronts. Impact: The halted rebel drive in Guadalajara leads to an unexpected peace, inspiring a generation of 'guerrilla gardening' activists who think they can solve all conflicts with a bouquet of flowers and a smile.. Fact: Did you know that sometimes the best way to halt a conflict is to just throw a surprise picnic? Works every time... until someone forgets the sandwiches!.