AUGUST 27, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Driver Education Textbook Released. Impact: This 265-page safety manual somehow leads to a nationwide obsession with driver education, eventually giving rise to the unholy phenomenon of online driving schools. Thanks, 1930s, for making us endure 12-hour Zoom sessions on parallel parking.. Fact: Did you know the manual probably contains more rules than a game of Monopoly? No wonder drivers have trust issues..
• Headline: Miss Goldstone Engaged to Robert E. White. Impact: The engagement of Miss Goldstone sparks the creation of a matchmaking service that believes it can rival Cupid himself. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t end well and leads to a series of disastrous blind dates.. Fact: Fun fact: Robert E. White would eventually invent the 'E' in the middle of names. You're welcome, future people..
• Headline: Dinner Honoring Mission Delegates in 1938. Impact: The dedication of the fireboat not only saves lives but also inspires a bizarre trend of competitive boat naming among mayors. Every vessel becomes a floating ego trip, leading to a national crisis in creativity.. Fact: Mayor LaGuardia also designed the gown for the boat's sponsor. I guess fashion knows no bounds—even in fire safety..
• Headline: MAYOR DEDICATES NEW CITY FIREBOAT; La Guardia Also Designs Gown Worn by the Sponsor for the $924,000 Craft NEW ERA IN BUYING SEEN Executive Says 'Favoritism' No Longer Plays Part in Equipment Purchases Girl, 18, Is Sponsor Honor for All Heroes. Impact: This sermon list inadvertently leads to a nationwide debate about which religion has the best potluck dinners, resulting in an eternal divide between casserole aficionados and dessert lovers.. Fact: Did you know that these sermons could have been the original influencers? #Blessed..
• Headline: Topics of Sermons to Be Preached in City Pulpits Tomorrow; Baptist Christian Science Congregational Disciples Jewish Lutheran Methodist Pentecostal Presbyterian Protestant Episcopal Reformed Roman Cathollo Salvation Army Miscellaneous. Impact: Nikkanen's javelin record sets off a global arms race to see who can throw the farthest. Eventually, it culminates in a bizarre Olympic event where javelins are launched at unsuspecting spectators. Safety not guaranteed.. Fact: Did you know that javelins were originally designed as weapons? Talk about a casting call gone wrong!.
• Headline: Sets World Javelin Mark. Impact: Brown's hole-in-one inspires golf enthusiasts everywhere to believe they can replicate this feat, leading to a generation of disappointed duffers and a spike in golf-related injuries. Thanks, Brown!. Fact: Did you know that statistically, more people have seen UFOs than achieved a hole-in-one? You may want to rethink your golf ambitions..
• Headline: MEXICANS STUNNED BY FIRM HULL NOTE; EDITORS ATTACK IT; Printing of Full Text Reveals for First Time Extent of American Disapproval THREAT OF FORCE IS SEEN Two Papers Call Demand That Seizures Cease an Attempt to Violate Sovereignty Public Is Thunderstruck Pacifists Make Protest Report Disturbs Hull Further Expropriation MEXICANS STUNNED BY FIRM HULL NOTE Note Praised by Americans. Impact: This fishing contest ignites a fierce rivalry that leads to annual fishing derbies where fish are mysteriously 'enhanced' through questionable practices. Soon, fish are more famous than some athletes.. Fact: Did you know that the tuna caught in these contests could probably run for mayor at this point? They're that popular..
• Headline: Wood, Field and Stream; Hundreds of Fish Sighted Contest to Open at Dawn Make-Up of Teams. Impact: George H. Barber becomes a footnote in history, inspiring the idea that if you have a sufficiently boring name, you can become the ultimate urban legend. Everyone knows a George, but how many are as uninteresting as him?. Fact: Did you know that George H. Barber never actually barbered? Talk about a missed branding opportunity!.
• Headline: GEORGE H. BARBER.