AUGUST 18, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Paterno Castle's Organ Moves to Glen Cove Church. Impact: This organ, once owned by a castle, inspired a new genre of church music that would lead to the formation of the world's first 'Heavy Metal Choir' in 2050. Turns out, churchgoers really do enjoy headbanging to hymns.. Fact: Did you know that an organ can actually get jealous of your piano? No? Well, now you do..
• Headline: End of WPA Aid for City Hospitals. Impact: The end of WPA aid created a domino effect that led to the establishment of 'DIY Medicine' kits in the 1960s. After all, who needs a trained professional when you have YouTube tutorials?. Fact: It's ironic how 'crippled' is used here—because it seems the entire healthcare system was on a vacation of its own..
• Headline: HIT AT 'CATTLE RACKET'; Pennsylvania Police Arrest 4 for Fraud in Diseased Animals. Impact: This cattle racket bust led to a spike in the popularity of veganism, as folks decided they’d rather eat kale than risk a steak that might have a side of 'disease'.. Fact: If cows could talk, they would probably ask for better PR. Just saying..
• Headline: FASHIONS FOR FALL MARKED BY LUXURY; Nemerov, Back From Paris, Reports 'Monotony' of Recent Years Has Been Dropped SEES BETTER TIMES AHEAD Colorful New Styles Richly Trimmed With Furs, He Says--More Jewelry Used'. Impact: The shift in fashion trends sparked a revolution in self-esteem, leading to the rise of the 'Instagram Influencer'—a position that still struggles to find a meaningful definition.. Fact: The only thing more predictable than fall fashions is that someone will eventually try to bring back bell-bottoms. Spoiler alert: it won’t end well..
• Headline: SZALASI'S APPEAL HEARD; Nazis Demonstrate for Jailed Chief in Budapest, 12 Seized. Impact: The repercussions of this event rippled through history, leading to increased vigilance against hate groups, but also to a very uncomfortable number of history teachers trying to explain the nuances of this period without scaring their students.. Fact: History has a way of repeating itself, which is why we should probably pay more attention to it—just a thought..
• Headline: THE COST OF MOBILIZATION. Impact: This cost analysis sparked a trend of budgetary accountability that would ultimately lead to the modern-day meme 'This is fine' when it comes to national spending.. Fact: The only thing more expensive than mobilization is the price of coffee during a budget meeting. Seriously, who knew caffeine was such a budget buster?.
• Headline: Named Trustee of Wilbraham. Impact: This appointment led to a series of increasingly bizarre town hall meetings where people thought they could suddenly solve all problems with pie charts and community bake sales.. Fact: Being named trustee is like being elected as the adult in the room—good luck with that..
• Headline: SWISS TO LET 1,600 FROM AUSTRIA STAY; Finns Curb Permits for Refugees--Italy Cites Influxx. Impact: This decision to allow refugees sparked an international debate on immigration that would continue to generate more hot air than any politician’s speech ever could.. Fact: The Swiss were once known for their neutrality; guess they decided to spice things up a bit with some humanitarianism. How revolutionary!.
• Headline: HUMAN CHAIN SAVES DOG; Policemen and Firemen Join in Rescuing Jersey Pet. Impact: This heartwarming rescue inspired a viral series of dog rescue videos that would eventually lead to an internet sensation, proving once again that dogs are better at uniting people than politicians.. Fact: Who knew that saving a dog could boost community morale? Next time, let’s skip the drama and just rescue puppies from the start!.