JULY 18, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dr. Ernest Lyon's Appointment by Roosevelt. Impact: Had Roosevelt not appointed Lyon, it’s possible that the modern concept of a ‘Minister’ would have evolved into a more complex role involving interpretive dance and interpretive policy. Who knows how the diplomatic dance would have changed!. Fact: Did you know that Theodore Roosevelt was known for his love of the outdoors? Maybe he thought appointing Lyon would be a step toward a more civilized jungle safari.
• Headline: The Birth of Human Rights Advocacy. Impact: The prioritization of human rights in this period led to a butterfly effect that eventually resulted in the 'Right to Wear Socks with Sandals' movement—oh the humanity!. Fact: Did you know that the concept of human rights is not just a modern invention? It dates back to ancient civilizations, where they frequently debated over who had the right to eat the last slice of pizza.
• Headline: Federal Agencies Law Symposium 1938. Impact: This symposium may have inadvertently led to the never-ending bureaucratic labyrinth we now know and love. If only they’d known their discussions would culminate in a 300-page report nobody would read. Fact: Law school: where students learn to argue about the tiniest details, like whether a semicolon can be considered a form of punctuation or a weapon of mass distraction.
• Headline: LINKS TROPHY WON BY RICHNER-REEKIE.; Card of 68 for 36-Hole 138 Takes Member-Guest Prize at Maplewood Club. Impact: Richner-Reekie's win sparked an international golf rivalry that led to the invention of golf-themed energy drinks. You know, because who doesn’t want to hydrate with 'Eagle Elixir' halfway through a round?. Fact: Did you know that golf is one of the only sports where you can wear plaid pants and still be taken seriously? The fashion choices alone could spark a historical debate!.
• Headline: MARIE ROGET' STEPS IN JERSEY DOOMED; Lower Part of Weehawken's Lossburg Stairs to Be Torn Out for Road Project. Impact: The destruction of those stairs may have led to a significant increase in cardio workouts in Weehawken, resulting in an unexpected fitness boom. Who knew a road project could lead to a six-pack?. Fact: Stairs have historically been a symbol of progress. But in this case, they were a symbol of 'goodbye, health!'.
• Headline: GUERNSEY CAPTURES TITLE; Beats Heldman, 6-4, 12-10, 8-6, in State Clay-Court Final. Impact: Guernsey’s victory not only solidified his place in tennis history but also led to a surge in tennis-themed merchandise, including the now-infamous 'I Love Clay' shirt that nobody wanted. Fact: Did you know that tennis was originally played with bare hands? Yes, the game of 'tennis' is basically just a glorified game of 'don't let the ball hit you.'.
• Headline: GERTRUDE WATKINS, A STORE EXECUTIVE; Lord & Taylor Department Head With the Firm 17 Years. Impact: Watkins’ long tenure may have inadvertently inspired future executives to spend 17 years perfecting the art of folding sweaters—a skill that would later become a form of modern meditation. Fact: Did you know that retail executives are often considered the unsung heroes of the retail apocalypse? They can fold a t-shirt faster than you can say 'clearance sale.'.
• Headline: BOOKS OF TEH TIMES; The Question Nationality The Cloak of Obscurity. Impact: This discussion on nationality likely accelerated the trend of people using obscure references to sound smarter, leading to the rise of hipster coffee shop conversations and the baffling popularity of 'everything artisanal.'. Fact: Did you know that 'teh' is often used in internet memes to imply a lack of typing skills? It’s like a modern-day hieroglyph for 'I’m too cool to proofread!'.
• Headline: BLESSED SACRAMENT HELD CURB ON EVIL; Father Sloan Says It Brings Us Source of All Grace. Impact: Father Sloan’s sermon may have inadvertently led to a surge in the 'curb evil' movement, where people began to curb everything from littering to bad hair days. Truly a holy revolution!. Fact: The concept of grace has been around for centuries, but it turns out that the most graceful thing you can do is just to avoid stepping on someone’s toes at a family gathering.
• Headline: ERNEST A. GOLDING. Impact: Golding’s recognition likely inspired future generations to change their names to something more memorable, leading to an avalanche of 'Unique' names that sound like they belong in a sci-fi novel. Fact: Did you know that the name 'Ernest' means 'serious'? I guess Golding took that to heart, at least until someone told him a name doesn’t define your personality.