JULY 16, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Exploring Recent Religious Publications. Impact: The rise of religious books led to a secret society of laymen who believed they were the chosen ones to interpret everything incorrectly. They held weekly meetings involving snacks and wild theories.. Fact: The best-selling religious book of all time is still the one that promises to reveal the true meaning of life—spoiler alert: it’s always about the snacks..
• Headline: 1938 Jersey Freak Storm Devastation. Impact: This freak storm inadvertently led to the invention of the 'Hurricane Party,' where people gather to celebrate the chaos with drinks, snacks, and questionable decisions.. Fact: Rabbi drowning in a freak storm? Sadly, it wasn’t the first time someone failed to heed weather warnings while trying to catch the biggest fish..
• Headline: Pasch Wins at Newmarket. Impact: Pasch's win at Newmarket inspired a generation of underdogs, eventually leading to an annual event where everyday people compete in bizarre races like running in inflatable costumes.. Fact: Pasch is probably still winning races in alternate dimensions where time works differently—lucky him!.
• Headline: DEPOSITS STEADY IN SAVINGS BANKS; State Association Finds Gain in Quarter Made Up of Previously Unstated Amount DECLINE IN OPEN ACCOUNTS Was 20,689 in Year--Nearly 40% of Dividends Earned in Period Left in Institutions. Impact: The steady deposits in savings banks led to a new trend of people proudly boasting about their savings accounts on social media, resulting in a generation of very boring Instagram feeds.. Fact: Nearly 40% of dividends being left in institutions is just a fancy way of saying people are too lazy to move their money—money that’s practically begging for a vacation!.
• Headline: JACK-DUNN, ICE STAR, DIES OF RARE DISEASE; Captain of 1936 British Olympic Team Stricken in Hollywood. Impact: Jack Dunn’s untimely passing created an influx of ice-skating tributes that somehow made their way into the Olympics, culminating in a bizarre event called 'The Dunn Dash.'. Fact: Dying from a rare disease is certainly a way to make headlines, but it probably didn’t involve the fanfare he deserved as one of the most chill Olympic captains..
• Headline: WILLIAM E. DALTON; Chief Clerk of the City Board of Transportation Was 54. Impact: Dalton's death led to a sudden surge in people claiming to be 'transportation experts,' causing a traffic nightmare that lasted for decades—thanks, bureaucracy!. Fact: Being a Chief Clerk sounds important, but it’s really just a glorified title for someone who knows how to file things correctly..
• Headline: LAWRENCE E. KIRWIN, HEAD OF OIL CONCERN; Owner of Garden City Company Dies-Hempstead Banker. Impact: Kirwin's passing led to a series of intense power struggles in the oil industry, ultimately resulting in the rise of 'oil barons' and their questionable mustaches becoming a fashion statement.. Fact: When oil tycoons started dying off, it was like the universe was trying to tell them that over-extraction was not the way to go—apparently, no one listens to the environment..