JULY 9, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mill Expands Operations with Night Shift. Impact: The addition of a night shift at the mill opened a Pandora's box of nocturnal shenanigans, leading to the first ever 'Midnight Snack Union' demanding 24/7 donut breaks, sparking a worldwide pastry crisis.. Fact: Turns out, night shifts are just a way to make sure workers can sleep through their dreams of a better job!.
• Headline: Westchester Legion Convenes in 1938. Impact: The Westchester Legion's plans set off a chain reaction of local governments convening to discuss equally riveting topics, eventually leading to the first-ever 'Boring Committee' on the impact of paint drying.. Fact: Convene is just a fancy way of saying 'let's gather and pretend we have important things to discuss.'.
• Headline: Sister M. Mercedes: A Life of Service. Impact: Sister M. Mercedes' contributions to her community inspired a series of nun-themed superhero films decades later, forever changing how we view both nuns and the superhero genre.. Fact: Sister M. Mercedes had a secret life as a bingo champion; you never know what nuns are up to!.
• Headline: MEN'S WEAR SALES DECLINE FROM '37; Surveys Shows 78% of Stores Lost 17% in Volume, While 7% Noted Increases COLLECTIONS ARE SLOW Reports From Middle West Are Most Favorable and Those From East Pessimistic Collections Less Favorable Retailers Opposed to WPA. Impact: The decline in men's wear sales sparked a fashion revolution, leading to the rise of sweatpants as the unofficial uniform of 21st-century couch potatoes.. Fact: 78% of stores lost 17% in volume, but 100% of people still lost their will to dress up!.
• Headline: Stock Exchange Seat at $80,000. Impact: The price tag of $80,000 for a stock exchange seat led to a historic trading frenzy, inadvertently creating the first known stock market bubble based on pure vanity.. Fact: Buying a stock exchange seat for $80,000 is like paying for a front-row seat to watch paint dry—it's just not worth it!.
• Headline: Yacht Enchantress in Alaska. Impact: The Yacht Enchantress sailing in Alaska prompted a trend of luxury yacht tourism, leading to the creation of a reality show about rich people complaining about their yacht's Wi-Fi connection.. Fact: Yachts are just floating houses for people who think their problems need an ocean view!.
• Headline: J. ROOSEVELT TO REPLY; Magazine Will Print His 'Factual Account' of Insurance Business. Impact: J. Roosevelt's factual account of the insurance business ignited a nationwide debate over whether insurance was a necessary evil or just another way for companies to take your money.. Fact: Every time someone mentions insurance, a financial advisor gets their wings—just kidding, they just get more clients!.
• Headline: OIL SEIZURES STIR CLASH AT INSTITUTE; Mexican Sqeaker Backs Them as Armstrong of Standard Oil Warns of Results PEACE IS HELD FAR OFF Rovensky Says Expropriation Has Not Aided Laborers, Citing Cut in Wages Armstrong Cites Cuban Move Carrillo Denies Sale to Fascists Plea Made for Small Business. Impact: The clash over oil seizures in Mexico escalated tensions that would ripple into decades of geopolitical strife and late-night conspiracy theories about the true nature of oil.. Fact: Oil: the only thing more slippery than politicians' promises!.
• Headline: ARABS IN PALESTINE BEGIN WIDE STRIKE AS VIOLENCE GROWS; Bomb Kills Four at Gate of Jerusalem--12-Year-Old Girl Held as Thrower SNIPERS HARASS TROOPS Railways and Telephone Lines Damaged--British Marines Enforce Curfew Edicts ARABS IN PALESTINE BEGIN WIDE STRIKE. Impact: The Arab strike in Palestine set off a wave of unrest that would influence global politics, leading to the creation of a new genre of action movies centered around rebellion and popcorn.. Fact: Bombs and strikes: not the usual ingredients for a peaceful neighborhood barbecue!.