JUNE 24, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Yarnell's Yangtze River Inspection Voyage. Impact: Little did they know that this inspection voyage would inadvertently lead to a series of miscommunications that ultimately sparked the invention of the modern selfie stick. Everyone wanted a photo-op in front of the Yangtze, but the Admiral just wanted to focus on the river.. Fact: Yarnell probably didn’t realize he was starting a long tradition of naval officers getting too close to the local cuisine, leading to what we now call 'the dreaded ship belly.'.
• Headline: Circus Workers Strike Creates Uncertainty. Impact: The failure of the circus to go on led to the rise of alternative entertainment, including the invention of Netflix. Yes, folks, if only the elephants had pushed harder, we might still be watching live circus acts instead of bingeing on true crime documentaries.. Fact: It’s amazing how a bunch of disgruntled circus performers and elephants can lead to a national crisis. I mean, who knew elephants were such terrible negotiators?.
• Headline: Studdiford-Kerney Historical Encounter. Impact: This wedding announcement, while seemingly mundane, set off a chain reaction of matchmaking that led to the entire city of Studdiford-Kerney becoming the epicenter of awkward family reunions for generations.. Fact: If you think your family gatherings are awkward, just wait until you attend one of these combined families' reunions!.
• Headline: ADDRESS TO YOUTH. Impact: This speech sparked a lifelong pursuit of idealism among youth, eventually leading to the invention of social media activism, where taking a stand is often just a click away from a cute cat video.. Fact: Nothing says 'I care' like a tweet about social issues while watching reality TV. Ah, the power of youth!.
• Headline: FRENCH ACADEMY ELECTS MAUROIS; Author of 'Ariel' Chosen to Fill Seat That Has Had Only 9 Occupants Since 1634. Impact: The election of Maurois marked a pivotal moment, leading to an exclusive literary club so prestigious that it made Hogwarts look like a community college.. Fact: If you think getting into Harvard is tough, try getting into the French Academy. They have more secret handshakes than a Freemason lodge..
• Headline: ARMY SPEEDS DRIVE TO BAR AIR ATTACK ON ALL OUR COASTS; Mobile Guns Are Chief Factor in New Move to Widen Defenses on Atlantic 34 REGIMENTS PLANNED But Officers Say Equipment, Not Personnel, Is Main Problem Now Faced Craig Warned Congress Big Jump in Units Planned ARMY SPEEDS DRIVE TO BAR AIR ATTACK New Gun Details a Secret Fixed Guns Also Included. Impact: This frantic arms buildup led to a global arms race that ultimately resulted in a world where everyone is armed to the teeth, leading to the question: 'Was it really worth it to spend all that money on guns instead of, say, education?'. Fact: They say guns don’t kill people, but it's amazing how many problems they solve in meetings. Just imagine the awkward silences!.
• Headline: A COUPLE OF EXPECTANT FANS, BUT NO BASEBALL GAME. Impact: The cancellation of this game led to a national crisis in fan disappointment, sparking the rise of fantasy sports leagues, where people could at least pretend they were managing their favorite teams. Who knew a rainout could lead to so many statistics?. Fact: Fans have a unique ability to turn a canceled game into a conspiracy theory. 'The weather is rigged!' they say, while their favorite team fumbles a game-winning play on TV..
• Headline: SOME HENLEIN POINTS ACCEPTED BY PRAGUE; Cabinet Committee So Advises Sudeten Leaders at Meeting. Impact: This political maneuvering set the stage for decades of tension in Europe, proving once again that compromising with someone like Henlein is like inviting a raccoon to a picnic—you're just asking for trouble.. Fact: History teaches us that accepting points from controversial figures often leads to more problems than it solves. Just look at any reality TV show!.
• Headline: BLAMES BEE FOR CRASH; Driver Says It Caused Him to Swerve--Man Injured. Impact: This incident led to the emergence of a new legal doctrine: the 'bee defense,' where people started blaming nature for their accidents, leading to a generation of lawsuits against flowers and insects. Next stop: suing pollen.. Fact: When life gives you bees, apparently you can just blame them for your bad driving. Who knew bees were such a litigious bunch?.