JUNE 20, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dr. Conant's Warning at Harvard Commencement. Impact: Dr. Conant's warning about tyrannies led to an underground society of economic freedom fighters who secretly exchanged recipes for gluten-free bread, believing it to be the key to liberation.. Fact: Harvard's Commencement Week has been known to produce more hot air than a balloon festival..
• Headline: Sermon on Alms-Giving Insights. Impact: Lemoine's sermon sparked a global movement for 'right to assistance,' leading to the establishment of a new currency: the 'Kindness Coin.' Unfortunately, it was worth less than Monopoly money.. Fact: Almsgiving is just a fancy way of saying 'I can't solve your problems, but here's a dollar.'.
• Headline: City Club Advocates for Improved Bill Drafting. Impact: The call for a bill-drafting agency led to the creation of an elite team of grammar ninjas, who now patrol city councils fighting against misplaced commas and dangling participles.. Fact: You know your city is in trouble when the biggest issue is the misuse of the word 'there.'.
• Headline: Prof. Rose Peebles Retires. Impact: Prof. Rose Peebles' retirement caused a ripple effect of faculty retirements, ultimately leading to a university-wide 'Pajama Day' that never ended. Students still show up in their PJs.. Fact: Retirement is just a fancy term for 'I’m going to binge-watch Netflix now.'.
• Headline: HOSPITAL STONE IS LAID; $24;000 Toward Building Donated at Brooklyn Ceremony. Impact: The laying of the cornerstone at the hospital led to a mysterious spike in superstitions, with locals believing that the building would either cure diseases or become a portal to another dimension.. Fact: The cornerstone isn’t just a brick; it’s the literal foundation of all future hospital gossip..
• Headline: Europe; Trade Treaty Test of AngloAmerican Accord Seeking Our Stand Trade Talks Hit Snag Agreement Needed. Impact: The trade treaty test prompted a series of bizarre diplomatic gifts, including a giant inflatable eagle and a lifetime supply of British tea, which confused everyone involved.. Fact: Anglo-American accords have historically involved more tea and crumpets than actual meaningful agreements..
• Headline: AT CAMPOBELLO ISLAND; John Roosevelt and Bride to--Stay at Father's Cottage. Impact: John Roosevelt's stay at Campobello Island led to a secret family tradition of competitive napping, which has now become an Olympic sport—pending approval, of course.. Fact: Campobello Island is often referred to as the 'Nap Capital of the World.'.
• Headline: MILDRED SMITH WED TO FURMAN J. FINCK; Both Are Musicians and on the Oak Lane School Faculty. Impact: Mildred Smith’s wedding to Furman J. Finck led to an unexpected collaboration album of wedding songs, which was only popular among cats and dogs.. Fact: Musicians marrying each other is basically the music industry's way of ensuring their royalties stay in the family..
• Headline: NYA STUDENTS DO WELL; Report to Williams Lauds High Ratings in Colleges. Impact: NYA students' success brought about the creation of a secret society dedicated to preserving the art of procrastination, which ironically meets every Thursday—unless they forget.. Fact: Being a good student is just like being a magician: you have to make your excuses disappear..