JUNE 7, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Artists Gather at Carnegie Hall. Impact: This event likely sparked a chain reaction of artists thinking they could actually make a living and possibly led to the invention of overpriced tickets and an endless supply of pretentious intermissions.. Fact: Carnegie Hall is known for its acoustics, but it's also known for its ability to make even the most talented musicians sound like they're auditioning for a high school talent show..
• Headline: Elihu Root's Stand for Rights Praised. Impact: Elihu Root's principles may have inspired future generations to fight for their rights, perhaps even leading to the invention of social media where everyone can voice their opinions—because nothing says 'liberty' like Twitter arguments.. Fact: Elihu Root was so committed to rights that he probably would have campaigned for the rights of inanimate objects if given the chance. 'Give that chair a vote!'.
• Headline: BOND CLUB PAPER FRIDAY; Bawl Street Journal Will Appear on Day of Outing. Impact: The Bawl Street Journal became the first publication to give financial advice while simultaneously sobbing openly, leading to a new genre of 'crying finance' that swept through Wall Street.. Fact: The Bawl Street Journal was famous for its emotional stock tips—'Invest in tissues, folks, because the market is about to make you weep!'.
• Headline: Fordham Widens Teachers Aid. Impact: As Fordham widened its aid, it may have inadvertently led to a teacher shortage as everyone suddenly decided to pursue a career in education just to get a piece of that sweet, sweet funding.. Fact: Fordham's idea of 'widening aid' could have also been interpreted as simply giving teachers wider desks in hopes of accommodating all their dreams..
• Headline: STADIUM EXERCISES END THE DUKE YEAR; Fifteen Different Degrees Are Awarded to the 833 Graduates FELIX MORLEY SPEAKER Ellen Clasgow and Dr. Peale of This City Are Among Those Honored. Impact: The graduation ceremony probably led to a ripple of optimism that encouraged graduates to think they could indeed change the world, which in turn led to a world filled with motivational quotes on social media. Thanks, Duke!. Fact: Felix Morley once said that graduation is just a fancy term for 'now you can pay off your student loans while working at Starbucks.'.
• Headline: Bolt Kills 20 in Philippines. Impact: A tragic reminder of nature's power, this event likely engendered a wave of discussions about safety measures, and who knows how many policies were written in response—possibly even the invention of indoor lightning rods.. Fact: Lightning is actually more likely to strike tall structures, which is why they say the best place to be during a storm is... well, not outside..
• Headline: CITY COLLEGE TESTS SET; 21,000 Students to Start Final Examinations Thursday. Impact: The sheer number of students facing exams likely created an energy wave that could be measured in caffeine consumption, ultimately leading to the rise of coffee shops near campuses everywhere.. Fact: They say that finals week is when students realize they can survive on nothing but caffeine, panic, and questionable snack choices..
• Headline: Italian Held in France. Impact: The arrest of one Italian could have set off a chain of events that led to an international debate on pasta regulations, ultimately creating a world where spaghetti is classified as a weapon of mass deliciousness.. Fact: In Italy, they say that pasta is a serious matter, so this poor fellow was probably just in the wrong place at the wrong time—like showing up to a pizza party with a calzone..