JUNE 3, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Gudenberg Remains Aboard SS Hamburg. Impact: Had Gudenberg left the ship, he might have inadvertently started a trend of stowaways becoming the hottest new reality TV stars, leading to a future where 'Stowaway Survivor' becomes a thing. The irony of having a reality show about avoiding reality would be too much for society to handle.. Fact: If you think the U.S. Consul was just trying to be friendly, think again! They probably just wanted a new poker buddy..
• Headline: Justice McLaughlin's Realty Tax Role. Impact: Justice McLaughlin’s appointment likely led to a long-standing tradition of judges being asked to decide on real estate matters – resulting in a future where homebuyers consult judges instead of real estate agents. The real estate market would never be the same.. Fact: If taxes were a sport, Justice McLaughlin would be the MVP. Too bad you can’t pay your taxes in trophies!.
• Headline: Death of General von Kutzschenbach. Impact: His death marked the end of an era, and little did anyone know that this would lead to an unexpected revival in interest in Prussian military history, sparking a series of cheesy war movies that would haunt cinema for decades.. Fact: General von Kutzschenbach lived to be 100, which, at the time, was basically the equivalent of winning the longevity lottery. Cheers to long lives and long wars!.
• Headline: 40 TO BE GRADUATED FROM FINCH TONIGHT; Exercises to Mark Institution's First Year as Junior College. Impact: This graduation set off a chain reaction of junior colleges popping up everywhere, eventually leading to a world where students major in 'Underwater Basket Weaving' and proudly carry their degrees like trophies.. Fact: Fun fact: Finch's first graduating class had to fight tooth and nail for their diplomas — no, really. They were all in a tug-of-war over who got to keep the best graduation cap..
• Headline: THE SCREEN IN REVIEW.; Remarque's 'Three Comrades' Comes to the Capitol in a Brilliant Film Edition--'Vivacious Lady' Is Shown at the Music Hall--Other New Pictures At the 55th Street Playhouse At the Palace At the Music Hall. Impact: The success of 'Three Comrades' inspired countless films about friendship and sacrifice, leading to the rise of the buddy cop genre. Thanks to this, we now have a plethora of movies featuring mismatched partners fighting crime – who knew war could be so lucrative?. Fact: The film was so good it made viewers forget they were supposed to be working. Not that they were doing much work anyway, right?.
• Headline: White--Meyer. Impact: This simple marriage announcement set the stage for an entire lineage of awkward family reunions and too many 'who's who' charts that no one really wants to fill out at weddings.. Fact: This couple probably thought their biggest challenge would be planning the wedding, not dealing with their relatives’ unsolicited advice for the next 50 years..
• Headline: MARGARITA NOBLE BECOMES A BRIDE; Married in Church Ceremony in Greenwich, Conn., to Dr. Howard P. Serrell SHE HAS SIX ATTENDANTS Miss Phyllis Gerry and Mrs. William Boardman Maid and Matron of Honor BRIDE OF YESTERDAY AND BRIDE-TO-BE. Impact: This wedding not only marked a beautiful union but also started the trend of over-the-top wedding ceremonies that would eventually lead to reality TV shows where people compete for the title of 'Most Extravagant Wedding.'. Fact: Margarita Noble? Talk about a name that deserves to be in lights! How many other brides can say they could also be a cocktail?.
• Headline: BESTOR OF COLUMBIA WINS AWARD AT YALE; ' Fourierist Socialism' Is the Subject of His Essay. Impact: Bestor's win not only launched his career but also sparked a wave of academic debates that ultimately led to the creation of every college student's favorite pastime: procrastination. Thanks, Bestor!. Fact: Winning an award for discussing socialism is ironic, considering that the only thing more radical than his ideas was the price of textbooks!.
• Headline: NATIONAL POWER TO CUT DIVIDENDS; President Sawyer Says Conditions Call for Reduction. Impact: This decision sent shockwaves through the stock market, leading to countless conspiracy theories about how the government was secretly run by a cabal of frugal grandmas hoarding their savings.. Fact: Cutting dividends is like telling your kids there’s no dessert after dinner – it might be good for their health, but the grumbling will last for weeks!.
• Headline: 19 SCHOOL CHOIRS COMPETE IN SONGS; 1,000 Catholic Boys and Girls Take Part in Finals--St. Walburga's Unit First SILVER CUPS AWARDED Compositions Range From Folk Tunes to Highly Complex Religious Chants. Impact: The choir competition led to a future where singing competitions became an Olympic sport, leaving many wondering if they could still sing 'Kumbaya' while running a marathon.. Fact: With 1,000 kids competing, you can bet the judges were wishing for earplugs. Who knew choral competitions could lead to such a headache?.