MAY 30, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Bonuses Paid Amid Economic Recovery. Impact: The bonus given in this year sparked a chain reaction that led to employees becoming increasingly entitled. Eventually, corporations had to invent 'Employee Appreciation Day' just to placate them, which ironically is celebrated on the same day as 'National Do Nothing Day.'. Fact: Did you know that bonuses are just companies' way of saying, 'We acknowledge your existence... for now'?.
• Headline: 7 OUSTED WORKERS WIN JOB INSURANCE; Discharge for Union Activity Is No 'Industrial Controversy,' Appeals Board Rules NEED NOT WAIT 10 WEEKS State Benefits to Begin After Regular 3-Week PeriodNLRB Reinstates Them. Impact: This ruling against the discharge of union workers ignited a series of protests that led to the formation of 'The League of Unemployed Workers Who Are Actually Pretty Interesting.' They had to change the name after realizing no one wanted to join a group with such a long title. Fact: Fun fact: the phrase 'industrial controversy' was originally coined to describe the dilemma of whether to use paper or plastic at the grocery store.
• Headline: GERMANY CLINCHES DAVIS CUP SERIES; Von Metaxa Beats Dallos of Hungary and Team Reaches Semi-Final Round FRANCE CONQUERS ITALY Captures Doubles for Third Straight Triumph-Sweden and Belgium Lead SOCCER RESULTS. Impact: Germany clinching the Davis Cup series led to a national obsession with tennis, ultimately resulting in the unfortunate establishment of 'Tennis-Only Cafes' where patrons were encouraged to yell at the TV while sipping overpriced lattes. Fact: Did you know that tennis is the only sport where you can yell 'Love' and have it not be about romance? It's all very confusing.
• Headline: Vanderbeek-Costa. Impact: The Vanderbeek-Costa event triggered a series of competitive networking events, ultimately transforming the professional landscape into a bizarre game of social chess where everyone is just trying to avoid being 'that guy.'. Fact: Fun fact: Vanderbeek is actually Dutch for 'the one who always loses at poker.' So, good luck with that networking.
• Headline: Revenues Disappoint French. Impact: The disappointment in French revenues led to a national existential crisis, sparking the phrase 'Je ne sais quoi' to gain popularity as a euphemism for 'I have no idea what to do with my life.'. Fact: Did you know that in France, financial disappointment is often accompanied by a side of baguette and a glass of wine? It's practically a tradition.
• Headline: MONEY MARKET IN BERLIN; Heavy Demand for the MonthEnd Reported During Week. Impact: Heavy demand for the money market in Berlin led to the invention of the concept of 'money yoga,' where people stretch their savings to fit into their lifestyles. Sadly, no one ever achieves full financial enlightenment. Fact: Did you know that in Berlin, they say the best way to increase your savings is to stop buying avocado toast? Who knew breakfast could be so revolutionary?.
• Headline: HENDRIX AND COOKE GAIN TENNIS FINAL; Former Beats Anderson, Then Eliminates Hunt, 6-1, 3-6, 6-2, at South Orange COAST STAR TOPS STEELE Wins, 6-3, 6-4, After Showing Great Form in Defeating McDiarmid, 6-3, 4-6, 6-3 Close Games Played Hunt Takes Command. Impact: The tennis final featuring Hendrix and Cooke sparked a decade-long rivalry that inspired a series of romantic comedies where the lead characters inevitably fall in love while competing in increasingly ridiculous sports. Fact: Fun fact: the average tennis match lasts longer than most relationships, which is why they both involve a lot of love and a lot of unforced errors.
• Headline: Today's Probable Pitchers; American League National League. Impact: The daily updates on probable pitchers became the highlight of American League and National League matchups, leading to a bizarre underground betting pool on who would have the most disastrous pitching performance. Spoiler: they all did. Fact: Did you know that 'probable pitchers' is just a fancy term for 'let's see who can throw the ball without injuring themselves today'?.