MAY 25, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Chamberlain Reports to the King. Impact: If Chamberlain hadn't reported to the King, who knows? Perhaps a butterfly in London wouldn't have flapped its wings, leading to a chain reaction that causes the next royal family to take up knitting instead of diplomacy.. Fact: Self-control in crises is great, but have you tried ignoring them completely? Much less stressful!.
• Headline: Bail Set for Marijuana Raid Captives. Impact: The marijuana raid bail set a precedent for future bail amounts, eventually leading to the modern-day debate over legalizing weed, which totally wasn't influenced by the fact that everyone loves snacks.. Fact: Bail amounts ranging from $500 to $2,000? That's some serious price gouging for a bit of herb!.
• Headline: American Art Exhibition Opens in Paris. Impact: The chaos of the exhibit's opening led to a new trend in art displays: 'Let's make it impossible for people to see the art!' This inspired galleries around the world to adopt an 'exclusive' viewing experience.. Fact: Nothing says 'art appreciation' like a crowd of people blocking your view of a masterpiece. Who needs sight when you have ambiance?.
• Headline: BADER SAYS NATION MUST REVIVE SPIRIT; ' Juggling' of Alphabet and Social Schemes Not Enough, He Tells Presbyterians MORE WESLEYS' NEEDED Evangelist's 'Heart-Warming' Recalled on Bicentennial--Dictators Assailed. Impact: Bader's call for a national revival may have sparked the unnecessary invention of motivational posters, leading to a world where cats are now famous for their inspirational quotes.. Fact: Juggling letters and social schemes might be entertaining, but it's not quite as impressive as juggling actual flaming torches, which I highly recommend for your next church gathering..
• Headline: FURRIERS INDICTED IN STRIKE VIOLENCE; 2 Men Said to Be Officials of Union and 4 Members Are Accused of Assault ONE DEFENDANT MISSING 8-State Alarm Out for Him--Victim of Beating Was in Hospital 20 Days. Impact: The indictment of furriers in strike violence led to a dramatic rise in the popularity of faux fur, which eventually became a staple in every hipster's wardrobe. Thanks, guys.. Fact: Assault and union negotiations? Sounds like a typical Tuesday in the world of labor relations..
• Headline: BLAST STILL A MYSTERY; Rotterdam Police Think Men Were Buing Explosives. Impact: The Rotterdam police's suspicions about explosives buying led to a thriving black market for fireworks, ultimately resulting in the world's largest accidental light show—whoops!. Fact: Unidentified bomb victims are the perfect excuse for a dramatic plot twist in any spy novel. Just saying..
• Headline: MAKES PHI BETA- KAPPA. Impact: The Phi Beta Kappa elections probably had some serious ripple effects in academia, like sparking a never-ending cycle of elitism and secret handshakes among scholars.. Fact: Makes Phi Beta Kappa? Congratulations! You’re now part of an exclusive club that absolutely nobody outside of academia cares about..
• Headline: Welles Warns Us to Hold Tongues On Other Nations' Internal Affairs; Hull Aide Says Americans Do Not Help Cause of Peace by 'Polemics, Recriminations'--U. S. Officials' Criticisms Recalled WELLES WARNS US TO HOLD TONGUES. Impact: Welles' warning about holding tongues may have led to countless awkward Thanksgiving dinners where opinions about politics are carefully avoided like the plague.. Fact: Nothing helps international peace like a good ol’ fashioned game of 'let’s not talk about it'!.
• Headline: PHILIPPINES SIGN FOR SPACE AT FAIR; Contract Completed for 20,000 Square Feet--$600,000 to Be Spent in Exhibits PLANS HAILED BY QUEZON He Points to New Friendship--Cornerstone to Be Laid at Belgian Pavilion Today. Impact: The Philippines signing for space at the fair may have sparked the global trend of countries competing to outdo each other in exhibit space, ultimately leading to the world's largest IKEA store.. Fact: A 20,000 square foot exhibit? That's basically the size of a small moon—and we all know how much we love those!.
• Headline: MARK WESLEY CONVERSION; Methodists Here Celebrate the 200th Anniversary of Event. Impact: Mark Wesley's conversion celebration ensured that Methodism would continue to spread, leading to a chain reaction of potlucks and overly polite discussions about salvation.. Fact: Celebrating a conversion is all well and good, but have you tried celebrating a pizza party? Much more delicious..