MAY 18, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Roosevelt's Stance on Political Silence. Impact: By insisting on silence, Roosevelt inadvertently paved the way for political gossip to thrive. The next generation of politicians learned that mystery and intrigue could outshine actual policy discussions, leading to an era of reality TV-style politics where no one knew what anyone stood for.. Fact: Did you know that silence has never been a political strategy? Just ask any politician who forgot to bring a teleprompter..
• Headline: Cornell Prize Awarded to Jamaican Vet. Impact: This award not only celebrated academic achievement but also set the precedent for the increasingly global nature of education, eventually leading to universities offering degrees in 'Social Media Influencing.'. Fact: Cornell has a prize for everything—I'm just waiting for the award for 'Best Use of a Cat Filter in Zoom Meetings.'.
• Headline: Edward Grossos Have Son. Impact: The birth of Edward Grosso's son signaled the start of a family dynasty that would eventually lead to an entire line of Ed Grossos, each more confusing than the last, contributing to genealogical chaos for future historians.. Fact: Congratulations to the Grossos! Now they just need to figure out how to name their children without running out of 'Ed' variations..
• Headline: N. Y. U. PLANS CENTER FOR SAFETY COURSES; Dr. H. J. Stack to Head National Education Project. Impact: The establishment of this center inadvertently inspired the rise of overprotective parenting, resulting in generations of kids who think a trip to the mailbox is a dangerous expedition.. Fact: NYU's safety courses are so thorough that they've started offering classes on how to safely navigate a crowded Starbucks..
• Headline: CLEVELAND SITTERS STILL IN CITY HALL; Many Women Join Demand for Restoration of Regular Orders for Relief Chicago Relief Pickets Disperse. Impact: The women demanding relief in City Hall showcased the power of grassroots movements, leading to the eventual realization that sometimes the best way to get what you want is to just sit quietly and wait until someone feels guilty enough to help.. Fact: Sitting in City Hall has become a time-honored tradition—it's the only place where you can get a front-row seat to the world's slowest-moving bureaucracy..
• Headline: JOB PLACEMENTS GAINING; But April Applications Also Ran High at Federal Offices. Impact: The rise in job placements marked the beginning of the endless cycle of employment crises, where every job gained was followed by three more applicants who had 'just graduated' and needed experience.. Fact: Job placements are like relationships: the more you look for them, the less likely you are to find one that doesn't require you to settle..
• Headline: FOR MILK-MARKETING PACT; Eight at Malone Hearing Back Federal State Agreement. Impact: This pact created a ripple effect in the dairy industry, leading to the eventual invention of ridiculous milk-based products like 'milk-flavored yogurt'—because why stop at just dairy when you can create confusion?. Fact: Fun fact: Milk marketing pacts have historically been more stable than most celebrity marriages..
• Headline: JOHN URIE, PIONEER IN MOTION PICTURES; Associated With Edison in the Early Days of Films. Impact: Urie's contributions to early cinema paved the way for Hollywood, leading to a world obsessed with celebrity culture, bad sequels, and the birth of the phrase 'let's make a movie about a movie.'. Fact: John Urie's collaboration with Edison proves that the film industry has always had its fair share of 'lightbulb moments'—and yes, that pun was intended..
• Headline: Intervenes in Railway Case. Impact: The intervention in this railway case resulted in a series of legal precedents that would become the backbone of modern transportation law, proving that sometimes the best way to keep trains running on time is to get lawyers involved.. Fact: Intervening in railway cases is akin to playing Monopoly—everyone ends up in jail eventually, and no one remembers how they got there..