MAY 14, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Barber's Legal Battle Over Cheap Haircuts. Impact: Had that barber not gone to jail for underpricing haircuts, the entire beauty industry might have avoided the emergence of overpriced salons—where a simple trim could cost more than a small car. Who knew a 25-cent haircut could threaten the capitalist foundations of hairdressing?. Fact: Did you know that the average price for a haircut today is roughly $30? Thanks, W L Tennyson, for setting the stage for overpriced trims and the rise of the hipster barber!.
• Headline: Exploring Recent Religious Literature. Impact: The release of recent religious books sparked a global search for meaning, leading to countless book clubs and a never-ending supply of awkward conversations about spirituality at dinner parties. Thanks, William R. Inge, for giving everyone something to argue about!. Fact: Did you know that the term 'dinner party' is just a fancy way of saying 'let's talk about faith until someone awkwardly brings up politics'?.
• Headline: Dr. Harvey D. Wood's Notable Contributions. Impact: Dr. Harvey D. Wood's legacy might have inspired future generations of doctors to not only wear lab coats but also to engage in dramatic monologues about the human condition. Who knew that a name could carry so much existential weight?. Fact: Did you know that 'Wood' is one of the most common last names among doctors? It's almost like they knew they were destined to carve out their futures in medicine!.
• Headline: ERNEST W. CAMP, 50, SUGAR FIRM COUNSEL; With the American Refining Company Since 1929. Impact: Ernest W. Camp's long tenure with the American Refining Company probably led to the establishment of countless camp-themed corporate retreats. Because nothing says 'team building' like bonding over the merits of sugar refining!. Fact: Did you know that 'sugar' is just another word for 'deliciously addictive'? Thank you, Ernest, for reminding us of the sweet side of the industrial complex!.
• Headline: DAVID LOWENSTEIN. Impact: David Lowenstein's mere mention in the headlines could have prompted thousands of aspiring Lowensteins to pursue careers in various fields, leading to an eventual influx of people with the last name Lowenstein in every profession imaginable. Welcome to the world of name-based career choices!. Fact: Did you know that having a unique last name can sometimes be the best branding strategy? Just ask the Lowensteins of the world!.
• Headline: P. V. SHIELDS HEADS EXCHANGE GROUP; Public Relations Committee Decides to Name Him to That Post Monday R. L. STOTT FLOOR LEADER Interim Administration Will Make No Changes in the Personnel of Staff Formally Named Monday Public Relations Aides. Impact: P. V. Shields being named to head the exchange group probably led to a few more people realizing that it's all just a game of musical chairs—where the music is played by public relations firms and the chairs are made of questionable ethics.. Fact: Did you know that 'public relations' is just a fancy term for 'making sure everyone thinks you're doing a great job'—even when you're not?.
• Headline: Cardinals Release Bucher.. Impact: The Cardinals releasing Bucher might have set off a chain reaction of mediocre trades that ultimately cost them the championship. Who knew one player's departure could lead to a decade of bad luck?. Fact: Did you know that professional sports teams often make decisions based on superstition rather than statistics? So, sorry, Bucher, it was probably just bad vibes!.
• Headline: LIFE GUARD 'CAREERS' OPPOSED BY MOSES; Park Chief Assails Group's Plea and 'Civil Service Racketeering'. Impact: Moses opposing lifeguard 'careers' likely ignited a nationwide debate over the necessity of lifeguards and how many people can actually drown while waiting for a hero. This might have led to the invention of inflatable floaties. Thanks, Moses!. Fact: Did you know that lifeguarding is one of the few jobs where you can save lives while simultaneously getting a tan? Talk about a perk!.
• Headline: MUSIC NOTES. Impact: The 'Music Notes' headline probably contributed to the rise of pretentious music critics who insisted on dissecting every note as if it were a philosophical statement. Thanks, concerts, for giving us a reason to ignore our relatives at family gatherings!. Fact: Did you know that music festivals are just elaborate gatherings designed to make you forget about your responsibilities—until Monday rolls around?.
• Headline: SENATE COMPLETES NAVAL BILL ACTION; It Passes $1,156,000,000 Conference Draft, Sending It to the White House Total May Be Increased SENATE COMPLETES NAVAL BILL ACTION. Impact: The Senate's passage of the naval bill likely ensured that future generations would remain blissfully unaware of the budget process, leading to a legacy of financial confusion and bipartisan eye-rolling. Cheers to democracy!. Fact: Did you know that passing a bill in Congress is often compared to herding cats? The only difference is that cats might actually be more cooperative!.