MAY 4, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Heffernan's Proposal for Parochial School Aid. Impact: If this proposal had gone through, parochial schools might have become the hotbed for political debates, leading to future generations of Supreme Court justices who spent more time arguing about crayons than case law. Butterfly effect? More like a classroom riot.. Fact: In the grand scheme of things, parochial schools have produced some of the greatest minds, but let's be honest - they probably didn't start out with a state-funded lunch program..
• Headline: Japan's Cup Tenhis in Montreal. Impact: The Cup Tennis in Montreal may have inadvertently led to Canada’s rise as a tennis powerhouse, where every six-year-old now dreams of becoming the next Canadian tennis star, complete with a moose as a mascot.. Fact: Canada’s national sport is actually hockey, but you know, tennis just seemed like a good way to get a few more tourists in flip-flops..
• Headline: Defending French Interests in Morocco. Impact: This case at the World Court might have set off a chain reaction of international law debates, leading to a future where lawyers are the new rock stars, and courtroom dramas are the hottest reality shows.. Fact: Who knew that defending a colonial monopoly could be so exciting? I guess that's how the French roll - with a side of world dominance and a baguette..
• Headline: $21,980,069 IS SOUGHT FROM COLUMBIA GAS; Trustee for Kentucky Fuel Gas Asks for Triple Damages. Impact: Suing for triple damages may have inspired a whole generation of lawyers to think they could get rich quick, resulting in an explosion of legal dramas, all while the rest of us just wanted to know who let the dogs out.. Fact: If only I could sue for triple damages every time I stubbed my toe. I'd be a millionaire by now..
• Headline: Hull Welcomes Pact on China. Impact: Hull’s warm welcome for the pact on China might have inadvertently led to an increase in tea consumption in the U.S., making Americans the most caffeine-fueled population in history, all thanks to a radio broadcast.. Fact: The U.S. loves a good radio announcement; it's like a soap opera for people who can’t stand daytime TV..
• Headline: TWO NEW BISHOPS HONORED IN JERSEY; Eustace Greeted in Camden and McLaughlin in Paterson. Impact: Honoring two new bishops in Jersey might have created a butterfly effect of holiness that would lead to a generation of very confused children who thought 'Bishop' was a new gaming character.. Fact: In Jersey, the only thing more common than a bishop is a 'New Jersey' accent. Good luck understanding either one..
• Headline: FRANCE INCREASES ALL ARMED FORCES; Daladier Decrees Addition of 4,712,500,000 Francs Credit to Get Larger Man Power Two New Battleships FRANCE INCREASES ALL ARMED FORCES Daladier's Chief Concern Plane Purchase Foreseen. Aim to Restore Income To Stimulate Production Combats Flight of Capital Credit Extension Planned. Impact: Daladier's decree to increase armed forces may have made France the world's leading expert in military budgets, inadvertently causing future politicians to spend more time crunching numbers than actually keeping peace.. Fact: You know you're in trouble when your military budget is larger than your national budget. But hey, at least they’ll have the best-equipped paperweights..
• Headline: Austrian Press Gets Nazi Chief. Impact: The appointment of a Nazi chief in the Austrian press may have catalyzed a series of unfortunate events, where journalism became less about the truth and more about who could yell the loudest. Welcome to the modern media landscape.. Fact: If only they had known that appointing a Nazi to any position was a terrible idea. Spoiler alert: it didn’t end well..
• Headline: CHINESE ATTACKSPIERCE ENEMY LINE IN SOUTH SHANTUNG; Defenders Plan to Destroy the Invaders' Vanguard Before Reinforcements Arrive 800,000 READY FOR DRIVE Meanwhile Japanese Advance in Rear of Lung-Hai Road and West of Nanking Japanese Retreat Reported CHINESE ATTACKS PIERCE ENEMY LINE CHINESE ATTACKS PIERCE ENEMY LINE Hope to Crush Invaders. Impact: The Chinese attacks on the enemy line could have sparked a trend in military strategy, where future generals would become obsessed with the idea of 'breaking through' like it was a game of dodgeball.. Fact: Let’s just say the only thing tougher than breaking through enemy lines is convincing your grandma you didn’t eat all the cookies during the family gathering..
• Headline: 14 Hungarian Nazis Arrested. Impact: The arrest of Hungarian Nazis might have been the first step in a long and winding road towards a world that eventually realizes that Nazis are generally not great dinner guests.. Fact: In Hungary, they say, 'When in doubt, arrest a Nazi.' It’s a solid rule that still stands today. Who knew?.