APRIL 29, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Heifetz Benefit Concert for Saugatuck. Impact: Heifetz's performance inadvertently sparked a worldwide movement where every violinist now believes they can single-handedly save the world, resulting in a rise in overly ambitious solo concerts and a surplus of bow ties in thrift shops. Fact: Did you know that Heifetz could play so fast that time itself might have slowed down just to keep up? No wonder he had a benefit concert!.
• Headline: Bronx Republican Club Eviction Event. Impact: The eviction of the Republican Club led to a secret underground bingo movement that eventually formed into a shadow government. Rumor has it they still meet in basements, playing for power instead of dollars. Fact: Bingo: the only game where shouting 'Bingo!' gets you more attention than voting in the Bronx.
• Headline: HOUSE GROUP PLANS WAGE BILL PETITION; Second Move to Force a Floor Vote Develops as Rules Committee Remains Hostile HOUSE GROUP PLANS WAGE BILL PETITION Bill Balked In December Says Industry Is "Migrating" Votes of New Yorkers Asked Nothing to Stop Chiseling" Close of Hearings .Protested. Impact: The failed wage bill petition inspired a new hobby among disgruntled workers: crafting protest signs out of old pizza boxes, which eventually became an art movement. Fact: Nothing says 'I care about your wage' like a protest sign made from yesterday's lunch leftovers.
• Headline: POST FOR LOWELLMELLETT; President Names News Executive to Head Emergency Council. Impact: Mellett's appointment to the Emergency Council caused a ripple effect, leading to a series of increasingly bizarre council meetings where no one could agree on anything except pizza toppings. Fact: When in doubt, appoint a news executive! They’re great at handling emergencies—like when someone forgets the coffee at a meeting.
• Headline: COURT RULES UNION MUST UPHOLD PACT; UPSETS NLRB EDICT; Federal Appeals Bench Voids Indiana Order-to Rehire 250 Who Broke Word by Strike NLRB Order to Company TEXT OF MAJORITY OPINION COURT RULES UNION MUST UPHOLD PACT Issues of Law Are Listed Validity of Labor Act Assumed Respect for Contracts Stressed Danger of Intolerance Cited Employe Status Held Voided Right to Strike Discussed A Plain Duty for Courts". Impact: This court ruling created a precedent for unions, leading to a series of protests where workers held signs reading 'Respect the PACT!' while simultaneously ignoring the 'no strikers' clause. It’s called irony, folks. Fact: In America, you can break a pact but still get a job—just like in dating, apparently.
• Headline: DR. ELZY DEE JENNINGS; Dean of the Southern Methodist University Dead at 58. Impact: Elzy Dee Jennings's death led to an unexpected surge in Southern Methodist University's application rates, as students mistakenly believed they'd be closer to the heavens. Fact: Ironically, people started enrolling more in classes to 'learn from the dead' rather than 'learn from the living.'.
• Headline: Concert at Hunter Tonight. Impact: The concert of original compositions inspired a generation of musicians to believe that any noise can be considered music, which led to the infamous 'silent symphony' craze. Fact: And they say you can't make music without notes! Just wait until you hear my cat walking across the piano.
• Headline: JUDGE ISAAC WOLFE OF NEW HAVEN WAS 78; Served in Superior and Common Pleas Courts for 22 Years. Impact: Judge Isaac Wolfe's passing resulted in a moment of national reflection on the judicial system, causing many to consider the idea of judges taking naps during trials—because who doesn't need a break?. Fact: They say age brings wisdom, but in the court system, it mostly brings paperwork.