APRIL 28, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Kingsmen Shine at Penn Relays 1938. Impact: This seemingly innocent relay race sparked a secret society of sportsmen who believed running was the key to world peace. Little did they know, their obsession with speed led to the invention of the modern treadmill, which ultimately resulted in the rise of home fitness influencers. Thanks, Kingsmen!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing faster than these runners was the rate at which people began wearing neon spandex? Truly revolutionary..
• Headline: Rebels Advance Near Teruel, April 1938. Impact: The fierce battles at Teruel not only shifted power dynamics in Spain but also inspired a future generation of war movie directors who thought explosions were the antidote to storytelling. Every time a character dramatically declares their love amidst cannon fire, you can thank Teruel.. Fact: The fighting in Teruel was so intense that it reportedly caused more smoke than a 1980s rock concert. The locals were thrilled, of course..
• Headline: URGES READERS INSIST ON FREEDOM OF PRESS; M. V. Atwood Tells Parent Teachers Abuses Are Bound to Occur. Impact: This rallying cry for press freedom led to an explosion of questionable headlines over the decades. By the 21st century, even cat memes would be considered 'breaking news.' Thanks a lot, Atwood!. Fact: Who knew that 'freedom of the press' would one day mean that anyone with a smartphone could become a 'journalist'? What a time to be alive..
• Headline: SHIP PARLEY TODAY TO SEEK CONTRACT; Owners and N. M. U. Spokesmen Will Take Up Proposed Compromise of 2 Issues WORKING DAY IS INVOLVED Concession Offered Stewards--Date of Expiration for the Agreement in Dispute. Impact: This negotiation over labor contracts inadvertently set the stage for future corporate meetings that would be notorious for their utter lack of excitement. Fast forward to today, and we still can’t figure out how to make meetings less boring.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more tedious than this contract negotiation was the PowerPoint presentation that followed it..
• Headline: SCHOOL MAKES WAY FOR A PLAYGROUND; Century-Old Building in City Bows to Wreckers. Impact: The demolition of this historic building paved the way for future playgrounds, where children would grow up to become adults who still can’t let go of their inner child. Thanks to those swings, you can now find a bunch of 30-somethings arguing over who can kick the highest.. Fact: They say all good things must come to an end, but in this case, it was just the beginning of endless childhood bruises and scraped knees..
• Headline: 91,710 See East Fife Conquer Kilmarnock In Overtime Scottish Cup Soccer Final, 4-2. Impact: This dramatic victory not only solidified East Fife's place in soccer history but also inspired future generations of fans to throw their diets out the window in support of their teams. Because nothing says ‘I love soccer’ like a deep-fried Mars bar!. Fact: Overtime in soccer is just a fancy way of saying, 'Let’s keep everyone on the edge of their seats and also slightly confused.'.
• Headline: PUBLIC BUYS ART AT BARGAIN SALE; 40 Works Sold for $100 Each on Opening Day of Benefit. Impact: This art sale sparked a phenomenon where everyone suddenly believed they were an art critic. Fast forward, and now we have Instagram influencers claiming to understand the 'subtle nuances of potato sack art.'. Fact: Who knew that buying art at bargain prices would lead people to think they could decorate their homes with 'modern masterpieces' from thrift shops?.
• Headline: COMMITTEE WARNS OF RADIO'S MISUSE; Holds 'Fireside' Talks Set Up a Precedent Encouraging a Future Dictatorship FOR CONTROL BY CONGRESS Wages on Newspapers Reported Kept Near Level' of 1929 in Spite of Recessions Urges Congress Control Social Security Surveyed. Impact: This warning about radio misuse foreshadowed the rise of media manipulation and the eventual invention of 24-hour news cycles, where sensationalism reigns supreme and actual news is often a fleeting thought. Thanks, committee!. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more shocking than the misuse of radio was the fact that people still preferred it over reading actual newspapers..
• Headline: ART SHOW OPENED BY INDEPENDENTS; Twenty-second Annual Event Has Its Preview at the Grand Central Palace NEW ARTISTS OFFER WORK Many Receive Commendation--Single Portrait of King George Appears New Painters Appear One Canvas og King George. Impact: This independent art show marked the beginning of countless artists feeling the need to explain their work with cryptic phrases like 'the existential dread of a banana peel.' It also started the trend of people pretending to understand abstract art.. Fact: Isn't it ironic that the portrait of King George was probably the only thing at the show that didn’t require a 20-minute explanation?.