APRIL 6, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: A.F. of L. Pushes for Railway Job Security. Impact: The call for more railway jobs led to an unexpected surge in train enthusiasts, resulting in a timeline where the Great Train Collectors' Convention of 2045 becomes the most attended event of the century, featuring panels on train whistles and the ethics of model railway realism.. Fact: In 1930, the only thing more reliable than a train schedule was the disappointment of those who thought they'd actually get a job..
• Headline: Workers Alliance Parade in Albany. Impact: The parade for relief sparked a series of similar events, eventually leading to the annual 'Parade of People Who Need Relief' where participants throw toilet paper instead of confetti, symbolizing the ever-growing need for bathroom breaks in dire financial times.. Fact: Parades have been around since ancient times, but they never included a float to represent the awkwardness of asking for help..
• Headline: Rebels Advance Towards Barcelona: 1938. Impact: The rebels' strategic moves and temporary power outages caused a butterfly effect that led to the invention of the first solar-powered rebellion in 2050, where protestors harnessed the power of the sun to power their Wi-Fi routers.. Fact: Barcelona was once known for its architecture and beaches, but after this rebellion, it became known as the birthplace of 'revolution chic.'.
• Headline: LEGISLATIVE EXPENSE IS VETOED BY MOORE; Wildwood Inquiry Cost Included in the $29,579 Bill. Impact: Moore’s veto on legislative expenses set off a chain reaction resulting in future politicians finding increasingly creative ways to disguise their spending, leading to a covert underground economy for 'political favors' in the 21st century.. Fact: Vetoing a bill is like breaking up with someone over text—impersonal and often leaves everyone confused..
• Headline: BAUGH AND P. DEAN RELEASED BY CARDS; Former Is Sent to Columbus, Pitcher to Houston. Impact: Baugh and Dean's release from the Cards set off a trend of minor league teams becoming the new pop culture icons, culminating in a reality TV show called 'Minor League Dreams' where players get more screen time than actual big leaguers.. Fact: The only thing sadder than being sent to a minor league club is being sent home to live with your parents..
• Headline: SHOWDOWN TODAY SOUGHT BY BACKERS OF REORGANIZATION; Sponsors Plan to Demand Vote to End Debate, and Predict a Victory. Impact: The showdown over government reorganization ended up spurring a decade-long series of debates on whether the government should be reorganized into a more efficient structure, resulting in the creation of the infamous 'Bureau of Bureaucracy'.. Fact: The only thing less organized than a government debate is a cat trying to catch a laser pointer..
• Headline: REPORT ON TAX BILL HAILS AID IN SLUMP; Will Free Capital, Making Jobs, Committee Tells Senate--Debate Begins Today. Impact: The tax bill's praise brought about a wave of tax reform that ended with citizens receiving tax refunds in the form of pizza coupons, thereby revolutionizing dinner plans in America.. Fact: The only thing that can get people more excited than tax cuts is free pizza—so why not combine the two?.
• Headline: GIORDANO, 28 AIDES SENTENCED TO JAIL; Three Policemen Get Year for Part in Bootleg Ring. Impact: The sentencing of Giordano and his aides inadvertently led to the rise of a new form of organized crime: bootleggers turned gourmet chefs, who now specialize in the underground production of artisanal cheeses and wines.. Fact: Turns out, the only thing worse than being sentenced to jail for bootlegging is realizing that your cooking skills aren’t even good enough for prison food..
• Headline: 3 KILLED, 1 INJURED IN CROSSING CRASH; 4 Men in Automobile Struck by Gasoline Engine on Erie Road Near Nyack. Impact: The anti-lynching act inspired a movement toward more humane treatment of citizens, ultimately leading to a future where public gatherings come with mandatory emotional support animals and a strict no-lynching policy.. Fact: Lynching has a dark history, but thankfully, it has been replaced by much more civilized methods of public disagreement—like Twitter feuds..
• Headline: ANTI-LYNCHING ACT OF STATE IN FORCE; It Defines Mob, Applies Guilt to Every One in It and Sets 20-Year to Life Penalty.