MARCH 31, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Curtis Heads Music Conference 1938. Impact: Little did they know that Curtis's love for jazz would lead to a time where no wedding is complete without a saxophone solo. Thanks, Curtis, for ruining countless receptions.. Fact: Music conferences have been around longer than your last relationship, and just like that relationship, they often leave you questioning your life choices..
• Headline: N. Y. U. Appoints R. L. Schlesinger. Impact: Schlesinger's appointment as equipment manager was the spark that would lead to NYU's legendary sports teams. If only they knew it would also lead to a decade of overpriced sweatshirts.. Fact: Being an equipment manager is basically like being a glorified babysitter for athletes who can't remember where they left their shoes..
• Headline: Czechs Face Setback in Autonomy Efforts. Impact: This failed autonomy plan set off a chain reaction that eventually led to more complicated European politics. Thanks to this mess, we now have long-standing debates about borders that nobody understands.. Fact: The irony of international diplomacy is that it often feels like a group project where no one wants to participate, but everyone is happy to blame each other for the bad grade..
• Headline: Noel Coward Is Assigned To Sound Navy on Films. Impact: Coward's inquiry into the Navy's movie preferences would eventually lead to the creation of the classic film 'Battleship Potemkin' – just kidding, it was probably just a lot of bad war flicks.. Fact: The Navy has a long history of misunderstanding film genres, often confusing war dramas with romantic comedies..
• Headline: LEWIS MAKES PLEA FOR 'IVORY TOWER'; It Is Vital for Real Thought, He Says--Assails Forcing of World Issues on Writers LIBRARIES WIN PRAISE Only Immortal Thing About a University, Phelps Tells 400 at Book Luncheon 400 Persons at Session Phelps Praises Libraries. Impact: Lewis's defense of the ivory tower approach inadvertently led to an era where academics became so detached from reality that they started writing 800-page papers on why toast is a metaphor for societal collapse.. Fact: The term 'ivory tower' is often used to describe academics, but it ironically sounds more like a fancy name for a prison for out-of-touch intellectuals..
• Headline: WILL HEAD BROADCASTERS; Mark Ethridge Chosen Temporary President of Board. Impact: Ethridge’s temporary presidency would lead to a lot of temporary decisions, setting a precedent for every board meeting since then where no one can agree on the color of the coffee mug.. Fact: Being a president of a broadcasting board is just like being a group project leader: you're in charge, but good luck getting anyone to listen to your ideas..
• Headline: COURT WARNS YOUTH IN PASSPORT INQUIRY; Instructs Witness to Answer Questions at Hearing. Impact: This court case sparked a wave of youth distrust towards legal systems, leading to generations of teenagers who think they can outsmart the law by simply not answering questions.. Fact: Court inquiries are the adult version of 'Simon Says,' where the only thing you can't do is say 'no' without serious consequences..
• Headline: Morgan Sues for Yacht Crash. Impact: J.P. Morgan's lawsuit over the yacht crash would kickstart a long-standing tradition of wealthy people suing each other over trivial matters, paving the way for future yacht owners to become legal experts.. Fact: When rich people sue each other, it’s like watching a soap opera unfold, except the characters drive yachts instead of cars..
• Headline: Five Die as Navy Plane Crashes Off Hawaii; Another Machine Is Missing in War Games. Impact: The tragedy of the plane crash would forever change safety protocols in military aviation, reminding future generations that perhaps flying during war games was not the best idea.. Fact: Military planes crashing is the aviation equivalent of a bad hair day – it's never a good look, and it usually means someone is in serious trouble..
• Headline: Louis Tries Knockout Punch on Spar Mates In Final Drill for Title Bout With Thomas. Impact: Louis’s intense training for his title bout would eventually inspire future boxers to try even more outrageous training methods, leading to a bizarre era where yoga mats became the norm in boxing gyms.. Fact: The phrase 'knockout punch' has been used so many times in boxing that it might as well be a universal greeting among fighters..