MARCH 28, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Germans Enlist in French Foreign Legion. Impact: The increase of Germans in the Foreign Legion sparked a wild rumor that they were secretly forming a new culinary school, leading to a bizarre rise in gourmet sausage sales across France.. Fact: Turns out, joining the Foreign Legion isn't just about adventure; it's also a great way to get away from your mother-in-law..
• Headline: Orson Welles Becomes a Father. Impact: The birth of Orson Welles' daughter was the catalyst for several dramatic plot twists in future films, leading to a cinematic universe where babies could predict the future — and their parents' career choices.. Fact: Welles' daughter likely had a more dramatic entrance into the world than some of his films..
• Headline: MORE SELF-SCRUTINY IS URGED UPON JEW; Goldenson Warns Against New Interpretations of Judaism Dishonesty Held Greatest Sin. Impact: Goldenson's call for self-scrutiny sparked a global trend where everyone suddenly started reflecting on their life choices, ultimately leading to the invention of the mid-life crisis.. Fact: Self-scrutiny is like staring in a mirror — sometimes you just don't like what you see, which is why some people avoid mirrors altogether..
• Headline: DR. STANLEY H. HOLMES; Superintendent of Schools in New Britain for 36 Years. Impact: Dr. Stanley H. Holmes' long tenure as Superintendent of Schools inspired the phrase 'If you can't beat them, retire and let the next guy figure it out,' changing the landscape of educational leadership forever.. Fact: After 36 years, you’d think he’d have at least one idea on how to deal with the cafeteria food..
• Headline: Germany Victor at Rugby. Impact: Germany's rugby victory over France caused a ripple effect that led to an increase in beer sales, inspiring a generation of rugby fans to pursue athleticism fueled purely by nachos and lager.. Fact: Rugby: the only sport where you can throw a ball and get tackled for it, much like a family reunion..
• Headline: New Architecture Dean Of Cornell University. Impact: The appointment of G D Clarke as Dean of Architecture at Cornell led to an explosion of bizarre building designs, including one that resembled a giant rubber duck, sparking a new architectural movement.. Fact: Becoming a Dean is basically just a fancy way of saying you’re now responsible for more meetings than anyone would ever want..