MARCH 22, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Governor Moore's Controversial Inquiry. Impact: If Governor Moore had just accepted the subpoena, we might have avoided years of political melodrama. Instead, his defiance sparked a series of questionable campaign strategies that ultimately led to the invention of the phrase 'alternative facts'. Fact: Did you know that refusing a subpoena is like taking an 'I don't want to play' approach in a game of Monopoly? Spoiler: you still lose.
• Headline: Guatemala's Political Transition in 1938. Impact: The election of a successor to President Ubico set off a chain of events that eventually led to political instability. Who knew that one small step for Guatemala would result in decades of drama worthy of a telenovela?. Fact: Fun fact: Ubico was so popular that his successors were basically chosen based on who could maintain the most dramatic plot twists.
• Headline: LEADERS OF MILITIA AT WARD FUNERAL; Honor Ex-Chieftain at Albany Rites-Arlington Burial Today. Impact: Franklin W. Ward's funeral became a rallying point for militias, inadvertently inspiring future generations of 'weird' funeral themes. Who knew a burial could lead to such a bizarre turn of events?. Fact: Attending a militia leader's funeral sounds like the start of a bad action movie. Spoiler alert: there are no heroes.
• Headline: Norway Asks Defense Funds. Impact: Norway's plea for defense funds not only sparked a funding frenzy but also inspired countless memes about government spending that echo to this day. Who doesn't love a good budget debate?. Fact: Fun fact: asking for defense funds is like asking your parents for a new phone; you have to prove you're responsible first.
• Headline: AID BROOKLYN CHARITIES; Mrs. Bachrach and Two men Named to Bureau's Board. Impact: The election of Mrs. Bachrach and her companions to the charity bureau led to a philanthropic renaissance, which ultimately inspired the rise of Instagram influencers pretending to care about giving back. Fact: Did you know that charity work has historically been a great way to look good while doing minimal actual good? Welcome to the age of optics!.
• Headline: JUDGE KNOX BLAMES LABOR; Holds Demands Responsible for Business Recession. Impact: Judge Knox's blame on labor for the recession turned into a decades-long debate over labor rights, resulting in the modern workplace policies we love to complain about today. Thanks, Judge!. Fact: It's ironic that blaming labor for a recession led to more labor laws. It's almost like trying to fix a hole in your boat by throwing more water in!.
• Headline: Senate Beats Economy Mandate In Reorganization by 56 to 28; Barkley and Byrnes Lead Fight Against Byrd Amendment--Green for A. F. L. Denounces Whole Measure and Asks Delay MORGAN REFUSES TO QUIT TVA POST Doubt Legality of an Ouster Humphrey Case Is Cited. Impact: The Senate's resistance to the economy mandate has rippled through time, making bureaucracy a multi-generational favorite sport. The amendment's defeat paved the way for more convoluted political debates in the future. Fact: Did you know that ‘government reorganization’ is just code for ‘let's shuffle papers until we forget what we were doing’?.
• Headline: 4 Fined for Unmuzzled Dogs. Impact: The fines for unmuzzled dogs may have inadvertently led to the rise of pet fashion, as owners sought to avoid fines with accessories that failed to enhance their pets' personalities. Fact: Fun fact: dogs used to be fined for not wearing muzzles. Now they get fined for not wearing the latest canine couture.
• Headline: DR. LEIGHTON PARKS DEAD IN LONDON, 86; Former New Yorker, Rector of St. Bartholomew's 21 Years and Militant Modernist SERVED LONG IN BOSTON Won National Attention in Dispute With Fundamentalists--Author of Several Books Defied the Bishops How Controversy Started Rector in Boston 26 Years. Impact: Dr. Leighton Parks' death marked the end of an era for modernist thought, triggering debates that would shape theological discussions for decades, kind of like how one tweet can start a Twitter war. Fact: It's wild to think that defying bishops could earn you fame; nowadays, it just gets you blocked on social media.