MARCH 19, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Burden of Relief Beyond Cities: 1938 Insights. Impact: If only cities had taken the advice to budget wisely, we might have avoided the Great Toilet Paper Crisis of 2027, where people started trading rolls for groceries. Thanks, C. P. Herbert!. Fact: Senators are known for their budgeting skills, much like a teenager with a credit card—spending lavishly until it's time to face the music..
• Headline: DiMaggio's Friend Fails to Mediate Rift. Impact: This rift led to a decade-long feud resulting in the infamous 'DiMaggio Sandwich Wars,' where fans debated the best way to make a sandwich inspired by their favorite player. Spoiler: it was a disaster.. Fact: The only thing more stubborn than a holdout in a negotiation is a cat refusing to move from your lap..
• Headline: Poland Issues Ultimatum to Lithuania. Impact: This ultimatum set the stage for a series of misunderstandings that ultimately led to the invention of the 'Polish Pretzel,' a snack that was actually a peace offering. Who knew carbs could fix diplomacy?. Fact: When countries threaten each other, they often forget that a good snack can solve almost any problem. Just ask anyone in a snack bar..
• Headline: CUNNINGHAM WINS ON JERSEY TRACK; Runs Special Three-QuarterMile Race in 3:10.9, 71/2 Seconds Behind Record VENZKE SECOND BY 6 FEET. San Romani Third in A. A. U. Meet at Elizabeth-Team Title to Newark A. C. Gwathmey Loses Shot Title Cunningham Runs Tonight. Impact: Cunningham's victory inspired a new generation of couch potatoes to dream of athletic glory, leading to the creation of competitive sitting leagues in 2035. Yes, it’s a thing now.. Fact: Running three-quarters of a mile in under four minutes? Pfft, try running away from your responsibilities!.
• Headline: Dartmouth Drive Nets $106,847. Impact: This fundraising success led to the infamous 'Dartmouth Million Dollar Taco Challenge,' where alumni tried to outdo each other in a quest to create the most expensive taco ever. Spoiler: it was not worth it.. Fact: Ever notice how alumni donations are just a way for rich people to feel good about themselves? It's like giving a dollar to a street musician but in a suit..
• Headline: U. S. OIL PROPERTIES TAKEN BY MEXICANS; British Plants Are Also Seized by Cardenas in an Order Involving $450,000,000 Dollar Exchange Suspended U. S. OIL PROPERTY SEIZED IN MEXICO Oil Fight Begun Two Years Ago Excitement in Oil Towns No Immediate Action by U. S.. Impact: The seizure of oil properties led to a global shortage of guacamole, sparking the 'Avocado Wars' of the 2030s, where people fought over the last green fruit. Who knew oil could lead to such a delicious disaster?. Fact: Nothing says international relations like seizing oil and hoping nobody notices your guacamole is missing..
• Headline: SALMAGUNDI CLUB OPENS EXHIBITION; Water-Colors and Pastels by Members Represent More Than 100 Artists 150 EXAMPLES DISPLAYED Show May Be Viewed by Public During Afternoons-Most of Papers Are New. Impact: This exhibition sparked a renaissance of mediocre watercolors across the country, leading to a national crisis where every bathroom had at least one 'artistic' masterpiece hanging on the wall.. Fact: Watercolors are just like emotions—messy, unpredictable, and often end up looking like a toddler's art project..
• Headline: DIXIE DAVIS LOSES PLEA FOR LOWER BAIL; He Might Become a Fugitive Again if He Is Set Free, Court Fears. Impact: Dixie Davis's bail saga set a precedent that eventually led to the creation of 'Bail Bonds Reality TV,' where contestants competed to see who could get the lowest bail amount while still looking fabulous.. Fact: The court's concern that Davis might flee is basically the legal system's way of saying, 'We don't trust you, but we love the drama!'.
• Headline: MRS. C.E.F. M'CANN HONORED AT RITES; Service Held at Church of St. Jean Baptiste for Daughter of F. W. Woolworth. Impact: Mrs. McCann's honoring led to a wave of charitable events named after her, culminating in the 'Woolworth's Charity Bingo Night,' where the real prize was just getting to sit next to someone who remembered the good old days.. Fact: Being honored at a church service is like getting a participation trophy—everyone claps, but nobody really knows what you did..