MARCH 18, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: William J. Gill: A Pioneering Figure. Impact: William J. Gill, after being recognized, inspired a series of bad puns and dad jokes that would echo through the ages, making awkward family gatherings even more unbearable.. Fact: Gill sounds like the name of a fish, and we all know how well fish do in politics..
• Headline: Three New Saints Declared at Consistory. Impact: The recognition of these three new saints led to an explosion of saint-themed merchandise, creating a niche market that would eventually fund a reality show about competing saints. Yes, that’s a real thing now.. Fact: This event sparked the debate: Are saints just early influencers? #Blessed.
• Headline: Sinking Structures: Yale's Expert Analysis. Impact: The Washington Shaft's slow descent became a metaphor for the gradual decline of American infrastructure, leading to a national obsession with ‘sinking’ cities, ultimately inspiring a hit TV show about urban decay.. Fact: If the Washington Shaft were a person, it would definitely be that friend who says they’re 'just taking life slow' while actually doing nothing..
• Headline: BOAT TRIPS RAISE STUDENTS' MARKS; Ferryboat Rides About City Are Favored as Part of Regular Civics Work SPRING COURSE PROPOSED LongeritineraryReommended in Education Board Report on Last Fall's Test. Impact: These ferryboat rides not only boosted students' grades but also inadvertently created a generation of future politicians who thought they could just ‘ride’ on their predecessors' successes.. Fact: Turns out, ferry rides are the secret to passing civics. Who knew democracy was so buoyant?.
• Headline: Two Killed in Naval Plan. Impact: The tragic deaths in the naval plan led to stricter safety regulations that would, ironically, result in more convoluted military strategies. Because who doesn’t want a little chaos in their naval operations?. Fact: Naval plans are like IKEA instructions: they seem straightforward until someone gets hurt..
• Headline: Armour, New. Envoy, Honored. Impact: Honoring a new envoy would set off a chain reaction of diplomatic gestures, ultimately leading to awkward dinners and discussions about ‘how to properly toast’ in foreign countries.. Fact: Being honored by the Pan American Society is like getting a participation trophy on a continental scale..
• Headline: AIR RAIDERS KILL 1,000 IN BARCELONA, TERRORIZING CITY; ALL AREAS STRUCK 1,100 Pound Bombs Are Used by Rebels in Attacks to Demoralize Capital LOYALISTS OUT OF CASPE Fall of Their Base in Aragon Opens Path for Insurgent Invasion of Catalonia All Districts Bombed Twelfth Raid at Night Barcelona Is Terrorized 12 AIR RAIDS KILL 1,000 IN BARCELONA. Impact: The devastation in Barcelona not only changed the course of the civil war but also inspired a new genre of music known as ‘bomb and gloom,’ which would later be the soundtrack for many indie films.. Fact: Killing 1,000 people is the ultimate downer, but it did lead to some very poignant songs..
• Headline: Yale Debaters Defeat Williams. Impact: The Yale debate victory meant that future generations would believe that winning debates was the key to success, leading to an influx of overly dramatic speeches in coffee shops everywhere.. Fact: Debating is just arguing with extra steps and a fancy suit. Who knew it could be so lucrative?.
• Headline: TRUJILLO MEN UNOPPOSED; Peynado to Be Dominican President, Troncoso Vice President. Impact: The unopposed elections in the Dominican Republic set a precedent for political apathy that would inspire a global trend of ‘just letting things happen’ without any real opposition.. Fact: Unopposed elections are just a fancy way of saying, 'We’re not even pretending to care anymore.'.