MARCH 17, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Haverstraw Board Election Results 1938. Impact: In a shocking turn of events, the unchanged board caused a time loop where every election since has seen candidates running on the platform of 'More of the Same.' In 2123, this led to a dystopian world where all political debates are now just citizens arguing over who can best imitate the previous board members.. Fact: Fun fact: In a parallel universe, the board actually changed and everyone celebrated with a large cake. The cake was left uneaten because nobody wanted to disrupt the 'status quo.'.
• Headline: New Director Appointed for NYU Library. Impact: Choosing a librarian can change the course of history! The decision led to an unexpected explosion of bibliophilia, causing future generations to prioritize reading over reality TV, resulting in a brief utopia before people discovered social media.. Fact: Did you know that R. B. Downs once organized a 'silent reading party'? It was so quiet that attendees began to question if they were actually at a party or just a library..
• Headline: House Group Votes on Pacific Shipping. Impact: This decision eventually led to a bizarre alternate timeline where ships developed sentience and began forming unions to demand better working conditions, leading to the Great Ship Strikes of 2040.. Fact: Spoiler alert: The Maritime Commission was primarily made up of people who thought 'intercoastal' was a fancy drink you could order at a bar..
• Headline: SENATORS TO START TAX HEARING TODAY; Counsel for Railroads Will Be First Witness Among List Representing Business. Impact: This tax hearing set a precedent for senators to take all hearings as an opportunity to showcase their impressive ability to avoid real issues. By 2025, hearings became a popular form of entertainment, complete with popcorn and a live studio audience.. Fact: Did you know that the first tax hearing was originally intended to be a musical? However, they quickly realized nobody wanted to hear politicians sing..
• Headline: THIRD TERM VETOED, M'NUTT AIDES HEAR; Report Roosevelt Will Not Run and Is Not Opposed to Ex-Governor's Activities. Impact: Roosevelt's decision set off a chain reaction that led to a long-standing tradition of presidents hinting at running again, only to frustrate their supporters every four years. This resulted in the founding of the National Society of Perpetually Disappointed Voters.. Fact: Fun fact: Every time Roosevelt sneezed, political pundits would interpret it as a sign of running for a fourth term. The man was a walking political mystery!.
• Headline: MOONEY ATTACKS COURT.; Counsel in Appeal Says California Bench Joins 'Frame-Up'. Impact: Mooney's courtroom drama served as inspiration for countless legal thrillers in the future, leading to a surge in law school applications and resulting in a generation of lawyers who thought they were the stars of their own courtroom dramas.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'frame-up' was originally coined by Mooney after a particularly confusing game of charades with his legal team?.
• Headline: INCOME TAX YIELD 18 P. C. ABOVE 1937; TOTAL $615,947,718; March 1-15 Receipts,$95,000,000 Over Last Year, May Offset Other Excise Slumps. Impact: This tax yield led to the creation of the 'Tax Dance' in 1945, where citizens celebrated their financial contribution to the government in the streets. The dance was banned after it became too popular and caused spontaneous outbreaks of joy.. Fact: Did you know that the IRS originally considered 'happy tax day' cards? They quickly scrapped the idea after realizing it would cause mass confusion..
• Headline: Mrs. Florence Barton Wed. Impact: Florence's wedding inspired a wave of matrimonial trends that would lead to the modern-day obsession with elaborate proposals. As a result, future generations now consider a simple 'Will you marry me?' as utterly passé.. Fact: Did you know that Mrs. Barton’s wedding cake was so large that it caused a localized earthquake? The aftermath was dubbed 'The Great Cake Quake of 1938.'.
• Headline: Instructor Wins Play Contest. Impact: This victory inspired a plethora of future playwrights who believed they could change the world with their words, leading to a series of unsuccessful plays that ultimately resulted in the invention of the 'skip button' for theater.. Fact: Did you know that the instructor's winning play was about a day in the life of a stapler? Critics hailed it as 'the most riveting performance since the last time someone forgot to refill the coffee machine.'.
• Headline: MAYOR ASKS RELIEF BY AMENDING LAW; Moffat Offers Bill to Remove Restriction on Appropriations for Aid in Emergencies. Impact: Moffat’s bill actually led to more emergencies being declared than ever before. By 2050, cities had dedicated entire departments to 'emergency declaration' readiness, with officials just waiting for the next minor inconvenience to declare a crisis.. Fact: Did you know that the mayor's request for aid was originally meant to cover a broken streetlight? They later decided that was 'too mundane' and went full-blown emergency mode instead..