MARCH 14, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Loda Halama's New York Dance Debut. Impact: Loda Halama's performance sparked an unexpected wave of Polish dance festivals around the world. Little did they know, this would lead to the world's first 'Dance Off' between nations, ultimately causing an international incident over who had the best polka. Fact: Did you know that after this performance, New York City briefly considered changing its name to 'Dancing York' until someone pointed out that sounded ridiculous?.
• Headline: Maude Owen Mason's Legacy at Middlebury. Impact: Mrs. Mason's leadership ensured that dormitory food was edible, which led to a generation of students who actually succeeded in life because they weren't too busy recovering from cafeteria cuisine. Fact: Did you know that Mrs. Mason was once voted 'Most Likely to Prevent a Food Fight' by the students? No one dared challenge her after the infamous lasagna incident of '42.
• Headline: Mrs. Richardson's Funeral. Impact: Mrs. Richardson's passing prompted a community reflection on life and loss, ultimately inspiring a series of self-help books that would flood the market, many of which were poorly written. Fact: It is said that Mrs. Richardson was the only person who could bake a pie so good that it could unite feuding neighbors. Her secret recipe died with her.
• Headline: ANNE R. MATTERN ENGAGED TO WED; Parents at Dobbs Ferry, N. Y., Announce Her Betrothal to John Harris Jr. A SMITH COLLEGE ALUMNA Also Attended Scarborough School--Fiance Alumnus of Pennsylvania University Mackey-Lovey. Impact: Anne's engagement initiated a series of overly elaborate wedding plans that would eventually lead to the phenomenon of Pinterest weddings, where no one can have a simple ceremony anymore. Fact: Did you know that Anne's engagement was so well-publicized that it led to an uptick in engagement ring sales, causing jewelers to rejoice and single people to roll their eyes?.
• Headline: BAYES THEATRE COMEDY; Troupe Sponsored by Jewish Workmen Gives 'The Jesters'. Impact: This comedic performance sparked a wave of theatrical productions that would eventually lead to the 'Inappropriate Laughter' revolution, where audiences forgot how to take anything seriously. Fact: Did you know that 'The Jesters' was so funny that it caused a temporary shortage of handkerchiefs due to excessive tears of laughter? Talk about a comedic crisis!.
• Headline: WORSHIP OF BIGNESS HELD DANGER IN CITIES; Bishop Higgins Sees Tendency to Regard Quantity as Virtue at Expense of Quality. Impact: Bishop Higgins’ warning led to a societal obsession with minimalism, resulting in countless people throwing away perfectly good furniture because it didn't fit their 'tiny home' aesthetic. Fact: Did you know that after this sermon, cities started competing over who could build the smallest apartment? Yes, 'tiny living' has its roots in a warning against excess!.