MARCH 12, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: A Very Parfit Knight Unveiled. Impact: The very existence of a 'Parfit Knight' led to a secret society of perfectly charming knights who have since influenced everything from medieval chivalry to modern dating advice. If only they had a Tinder profile.. Fact: The term 'knight in shining armor' was actually inspired by the struggles of medieval men trying to impress women without the ability to text back..
• Headline: Road Closures Proposed for Reservoir Project. Impact: The closure of roads for a reservoir project inadvertently caused a massive increase in local 'scenic routes' tourism, eventually leading to the rise of Instagram influencers posing with their vintage cars next to very non-vintage reservoirs.. Fact: Road closures are the perfect excuse for local governments to finally get around to fixing potholes... if they ever get around to it..
• Headline: Canada's Newsprint Production Declines Significantly. Impact: The drop in newsprint output triggered a worldwide shortage of newspaper hats, leading to a renaissance in online news consumption, which eventually resulted in the rise of... well, this. Thanks, Canada.. Fact: Less newsprint means more trees, but let's be honest: the trees won't be reporting the news anytime soon..
• Headline: Explains Gasoline Tax Credits. Impact: The explanation of gasoline tax credits led to a massive increase in people trying to figure out their taxes in very confusing ways, resulting in a new generation of confused accountants—who are now in therapy.. Fact: Gasoline tax credits are a great way to feel rich until you realize it just means you paid too much in taxes to begin with..
• Headline: EDUCATION URGED ON YOUNG EDITORS; 2,400 Students at Parley Here Counseled to Learn All They Can HISTORY IS TERMED VITAL Professional Schools Defended at Columbia Session--More Awards for Papers Journalism Compared to Law Language Study Held Vital Pigeon Refuses to Carry News New Honors for Publications PRIVATE SCHOOLS. Impact: Encouraging young editors to learn about history sparked a bizarre trend where everyone started believing they were the next Hemingway, leading to an explosion of questionable novels and poetry readings that left everyone regretting their life choices.. Fact: Educators often forget that teaching about history doesn’t guarantee students will stop writing about their feelings in the form of poetry..
• Headline: ADOLPH G. VOSS. Impact: Adolph G. Voss's legacy as an educator caused a butterfly effect that inspired a generation of educators to 'revolutionize' the system—often with questionable results, like mandatory nap time in high school.. Fact: Voss's methods were so revolutionary that they were adapted to teach everything from math to how to properly procrastinate on homework..
• Headline: BRIDGE REVOLUTION APPEARS IN MAKING; Card Makers Rush Work on New Decks With Fifth Suit to Be Called 'Greens'. Impact: The introduction of a fifth suit in card games caused chaos in the gaming world, leading to the eventual creation of an underground card game league where players took their obsession a little too seriously.. Fact: The fifth suit was originally intended to be 'empathy,' but was scrapped because nobody actually knew how to play with it..
• Headline: M'COOEY HELD DUPED ON SLOVAK MANOR; Misrepresentation by Woman Induced Justice to Sign Land Title Order, Prosecutor Says. Impact: The case of Justice McCooey being duped over land titles led to a national trend of verifying personal documents, resulting in an unexpected increase in the popularity of 'how to not get scammed' seminars—few of which actually worked.. Fact: Justice McCooey's case is a reminder that even judges can fall for the classic 'too good to be true' trick, which means we all need to be a little more skeptical... or a lot more gullible..