MARCH 9, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Malone Launches Governor Campaign in Larchmont. Impact: Malone's campaign speech at Larchmont triggered a series of increasingly theatrical political rallies that eventually led to the invention of the 'political musical' genre, where candidates serenade voters with their platforms. This bizarre twist in campaigning somehow got people to vote more... or less. Who knows?. Fact: Did you know that most campaign speeches are just like long-winded Tinder profiles? Too much jargon and not enough honesty!.
• Headline: Mrs. Ryan Testifies Against Abusive Husband. Impact: This tragic testimony led to a series of public awareness campaigns on domestic violence, ultimately resulting in the birth of self-help books and reality TV shows that exploit similar situations. Because nothing says 'healing' like watching your trauma played out on screen.. Fact: Sadly, more than a century later, many are still grappling with the same issues. It's almost like history is on repeat—like a bad song stuck in your head..
• Headline: Proposal for a Guaranteed Annual Wage Finds Scant Support in Building Field. Impact: This proposal's failure led to a generations-long struggle for fair wages that culminated in spontaneous workplace dance parties (because who doesn't feel better about their paychecks with a little cha-cha?).. Fact: Spoiler alert: The idea of guaranteed income is still debated today. Apparently, some people think the 'guaranteed' part is negotiable..
• Headline: RUSSIANS CONFESS MURDERS BY POISON; Doctor Describes Killing of Gorky and Son-A Secret Virus for Menzhinsky. Impact: This confession ignited a new wave of paranoia that led to the introduction of 'murder mystery' dinner parties. Because nothing says 'let's bond' like plotting fictional murders over appetizers.. Fact: Interestingly, the only thing more lethal than the poisons discussed in these confessions? The backlash from anyone who tried to plan a dinner party after reading about them..
• Headline: MRS. RUTH SCHMUCK SUES; Junior League Member and Welfare Worker Asks Reno Decree. Impact: Mrs. Schmuck's decision to sue not only paved the way for many more divorce cases but also inadvertently inspired a slew of sitcoms about quirky characters navigating their own disastrous relationships. Thanks, Ruth!. Fact: And yes, her last name really is Schmuck. I mean, c'mon, you can't make this stuff up!.
• Headline: Another Peep Quits Labor Party. Impact: Each resignation from the Labor Party led to a dramatic increase in the average number of coffee breaks taken by those remaining, proving that sometimes, leaving is just a ploy to get more caffeine.. Fact: If quitting the Labor Party were an Olympic sport, it would definitely have its own drinking game associated with it. Because why not celebrate mediocrity?.
• Headline: Jews in Rumania Ordered To Prove Citizenship. Impact: This decree resulted in an ongoing struggle for civil rights, influencing future generations to advocate for inclusivity and the right to exist without proving one's worth. Who knew bureaucracy could fuel such a noble cause?. Fact: Despite the absurdity of having to prove citizenship, it's still easier than getting a refund at the DMV..
• Headline: NARCOTICS GANG SOUGHT; French Police Link 8 to Mailing of Heroin to Americans. Impact: This discovery led to the rise of mail-order drug businesses, which ironically birthed the very online shopping culture that now includes an unhealthy obsession with buying shoes instead of drugs. Thanks, French police!. Fact: And here we thought Amazon was just a place for books and socks. Who knew it could have been a front for something much more nefarious?.