MARCH 8, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Col. Dorsey Cullen: Army Veteran's Legacy. Impact: If Col. Cullen had never served, perhaps the military would have been less inclined to turn into a reality TV show with 'The Real World: Army Edition'. Instead, we might have just had a lot more boring ceremonies.. Fact: Col. Cullen's life spanned a time when people actually thought war could be a grand adventure, not just a tedious series of bureaucratic paperwork and social media debates..
• Headline: Ex-Gov. Robertson of Oklahoma Dies. Impact: Had Ex-Gov. Robertson not faced Alfalfa Bill, we might have ended up with an entirely different vegetable-themed political landscape in Oklahoma. Lettuce may have been the new governor!. Fact: Beaten by a man named 'Alfalfa Bill'—just imagine the campaign slogans. I mean, who wouldn't vote for a guy with a name straight out of a 1920s cartoon?.
• Headline: Senate Allocates Funds for Parkway Extension. Impact: This funding decision led to the creation of more parkways, which ultimately resulted in the invention of road rage—thank you, Senate!. Fact: 875,000 dollars in 1920 could buy a small island or at least a really nice road trip—if only they had Google Maps back then!.
• Headline: Son to A. S. Van Santvoords. Impact: The birth of A. S. Van Santvoord's son inadvertently set the stage for a century-long debate on whether junior should have a family name or just go by 'The Van Santvoord'.. Fact: Naming conventions have changed a lot since then. Back in the day, 'son' was a straightforward title, not a potential Instagram handle..
• Headline: SPED TO HAWAII IN 2 DAYS; Times of Feb. 22 Gets There by Air on Feb. 24. Impact: This event marked the birth of the 'I need my news NOW' culture, leading to the eventual rise of clickbait headlines and the speed reading of 'Top 10 Ways to Lose Weight'.. Fact: Air travel was still a novelty in the 1920s; people were probably more excited about the plane than the news itself!.
• Headline: PRIZED RARE BOOKS WILL BE SOLD HERE; Part of Famed Bishop Library to Be Offered Next Month--1,090 Lots to Go BOOKS OF HOURS' ON LIST Some Are Only Known Copies of Edition--Many of Works Were Collected Secretly Kept His Purchases Secret Robinson Crusoe" Edition. Impact: The secretive nature of book collecting back then led to the modern-day trend of hoarding Kindle books—because who doesn't want a library they can't even see?. Fact: Imagine collecting books so secretly that even your bookshelf was in on the conspiracy—'Shh! We don’t want the neighbors to know about our extensive collection of obscure literature!'.
• Headline: TOP BOWLERS UNCHANGED; Leaders Hold Places in A. B. C. Tourney for First Time. Impact: This shocking stability in bowling leadership paved the way for an entire generation who believed they could become professional bowlers—because who wouldn't want to wear a bowling shirt with pride?. Fact: You know the world has changed when being a 'top bowler' is a coveted title. 'Hey, Mom, look! I’m the best at rolling a heavy ball down a shiny lane!'.
• Headline: AUSTRALIA'S TRADE OFF; Overseas Commerce Balance Shows [Pound]16,000,000 Drop. Impact: This trade imbalance led to the creation of really awkward diplomatic dinners where everyone pretended to enjoy the same menu but secretly wished for different cuisines.. Fact: The drop of 16 million pounds could have bought a lot of kangaroo meat—if only kangaroos were on the menu!.
• Headline: Pact With Czechs Cuts Shoe Duties, May Admit 600,000 More Pairs; Hull Signs Treaty Giving Concessions on 63 Items, While Czechoslovakia Goes 'Farther Than Any Other Nation' to Lower Barriers PACT WITH CZECHS CUTS SHOE TARIFFS Nature of Protective Clause Concessions to United States. Impact: This treaty made it possible for Americans to wear shoes that were not only fashionable but also a cause for international diplomacy—because nothing says peace like a good pair of shoes.. Fact: Tariffs on shoes? Sounds like an episode of 'Keeping Up with the Tariffs'—the drama of footwear that no one asked for!.