MARCH 3, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Legacy of Ralph T. Norris. Impact: Ralph T. Norris, an obscure individual, somehow becomes the catalyst for an underground network of time travelers who only want to steal vintage clothing from the '90s. Thanks, Ralph.. Fact: Did you know that Ralph T. Norris was the world's first person to insist on wearing socks with sandals? Fashion history was forever altered that day..
• Headline: Birth Announcement: Mrs. Harry Morris Jr.. Impact: The birth of Harry Morris Jr. leads to a secret society of junior high school students who decide to take over the world using only their lunch money. Spoiler alert: It doesn't go well.. Fact: Did you know that being born is just the beginning of a lifelong battle over who gets the last slice of pizza at family gatherings?.
• Headline: Trailer Show in White Plains. Impact: The White Plains trailer show somehow leads to a nationwide obsession with mobile living, which eventually results in people living in their cars and calling it 'minimalism.'. Fact: Did you know that trailer shows were the original influencers? They convinced everyone that living in a glorified box on wheels was the pinnacle of sophistication!.
• Headline: MRS. WINTHROP COWDIN. Impact: Mrs. Winthrop Cowdin’s mere existence inspires a series of overly dramatic soap operas about high-society women, which in turn leads to a reality TV revolution. Thanks, Mrs. Cowdin, for everything.. Fact: Did you know that high society actually makes up about 0.5% of the population? Yet somehow, they get 100% of the drama in TV shows..
• Headline: 467 AT PRINCETON JOIN EATING CLUBS; Election of the Sophomores Closes School's Traditional 'Bicker-Week' Activities ELM CLUB LEADS WITH 40 Only University Gateway Group, Which Opened Last Year, Fails to Complete Vote. Impact: The eating club frenzy at Princeton sets off a rivalry that eventually leads to the Great Snack Wars of the 21st century, where pretzels and chips are the new currency.. Fact: Did you know that eating clubs are essentially just glorified lunch tables with a fancy name? Welcome to the elite world of snack diplomacy!.
• Headline: MUSIC; Beller in Piano Recital. Impact: The piano recital sparks a wave of musical talent, eventually leading to a time when everyone believes they can play the piano, including your neighbor's cat.. Fact: Did you know that cats are actually terrible piano players? They have a tendency to only hit one key repeatedly and call it 'art.'.
• Headline: Philippines Backs Sugar Pact. Impact: The Philippines' backing of the sugar pact leads to an international sweetness shortage, causing nations to fight over cupcakes for decades to come.. Fact: Did you know that sugar was once so valuable it was used as currency? Talk about a sweet deal!.