FEBRUARY 14, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Remembering Mrs. Jacob Katz. Impact: If Jacob Katz's wife had chosen a different name, we might have seen a world where people were known for their creative nicknames instead of boring name conventions. Imagine calling your spouse 'The Great Katz' instead of just Mrs. Katz. Utter chaos!. Fact: Mrs. Jacob Katz might not have made the headlines, but at least she didn’t have to deal with anyone misspelling her name like they do in today’s social media age!.
• Headline: Subway Use Encouraged for Midtown Travel. Impact: This subway suggestion could have led to a world where everyone decided cars were obsolete, and we'd be living in a utopian society of subway-surfing hipsters. Alas, we still have traffic jams and road rage.. Fact: Of course, parking in outlying areas is suggested by police; they just want an excuse to put 'Parking Enforcement' on their resumes. Who knew bureaucracy could be so inventive?.
• Headline: Architectural Magazines Merge. Impact: The merging of architectural magazines led to an eventual explosion of uninspired coffee table books that nobody reads, but everyone pretends to have read to sound cultured at parties.. Fact: Now we have a plethora of design magazines, yet somehow, my living room still looks like a post-apocalyptic zone. Thanks for nothing, architecture!.
• Headline: PRECEDENTS SET AT WESTMINSTER; Homebred Victories Indicate Imminence of Complete U. S. Supremacy in Dogdom RECORD THRONGS-AT SHOW Total Attendance for 3 Days Held to Be Largest in 62Year History of Event Unique Feat for New Garden Pointer Purchased for $50. Impact: The Westminster dog show could have sparked a canine revolution, where dogs would begin to demand equal rights, leading to a world where they run for office and humans must obey their every command. Bow wow!. Fact: This event apparently marked the peak of dog show attendance, proving that people will always prefer their dogs over their in-laws!.
• Headline: YUNG TSUNG-CHING; ' Flour King' of China Also an Owner of Cotton Mills. Impact: If Yung Tsung-Ching had chosen to invest in renewable energy instead of cotton mills, he might have single-handedly saved the planet from climate change, or at least made a good TikTok video about it.. Fact: Being known as the 'Flour King' sounds impressive until you realize that all the good titles were probably taken by other kings—like the 'King of Bedtime Stories' or 'King of Snack Time.'.
• Headline: 4 Judges Back Blue Ribbon Juries, Protesting Bill to Abolish Them; Wallace, Freschi, Koenig and Streit Find Them Vital in Important Cases--Good Jurors Held Too Few for All Trials Sees Bills' Aim Unattainable Koenig Sees Blow to Justice. Impact: This protest against blue ribbon juries could have led to a wild legal world where trials become a reality show spectacle, complete with dramatic music and audience voting—'Who Will Win Today? The Jury or the Defendant!'. Fact: Judges protesting to keep blue ribbon juries proves that even in the legal world, there’s a popularity contest. Who knew justice was also about charm?.
• Headline: POLICE HERO SEIZES A FLEEING SLAYER; ' Cowboy' Orman, Who Aided in Capture of Vandenbush, Wins Chase in Westchester GETS CONFESSION ON SPOT Bronx Man Tells of Fatal Fight on Edge of Estate of Miss Helen C. Frick Watchman Heard Screams POLICE HERO SEIZES A FLEEING SLAYER POLICE HERO SEIZES A FLEEING SLAYER Says the Man Drew a Knife. Impact: The army's decision to stop bombing civilians might have set a precedent for future conflicts where armies actually consider human lives. Imagine, a world where soldiers just play dodgeball instead of warfare!. Fact: It’s fascinating to learn that sometimes, the military strategy is based on something other than humanity. Who knew studying air raid results could lead to common sense?.
• Headline: Army Bars Bombing of Civilians As Futile Tactics in Warfare; Decision Not Based on Humanitarian Factors but on Study of Air Raid Results in Ethiopia, Spain and China ARMY NOT TO BOMB CIVILIANS IN A WAR Persistent Action Vital Bombing Precision Gains.