FEBRUARY 1, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Moore Resolves Jersey Jobs Feud. Impact: Moore's decision to name a Republican to the judgeship sparked a heated debate that eventually led to the invention of the 'Political Argument Olympics,' where politicians compete in absurd debates instead of passing laws. It’s like a reality show, but with more yelling and fewer plot twists.. Fact: Did you know that bipartisan agreement is often just a fancy way of saying, 'We both agree this is a terrible idea, but let’s do it anyway'?.
• Headline: DISSENT BY BLACK HITS CORPORATIONS; He Urges Court Drop 52-Year View Protecting Them Under the 14th Amendment. Impact: Justice Black’s dissent against corporate protections under the 14th Amendment sparked a philosophical debate about personhood that ultimately led to a bizarre future where pets were granted voting rights. Fido, the golden retriever, became a local political icon.. Fact: Did you know the 14th Amendment was originally meant to protect citizens, not corporations? But hey, who reads the fine print, right?.
• Headline: Europe Gets Bobsled Meet. Impact: Europe's bobsled meet introduced the world to the concept of extreme winter sports, which eventually led to the creation of 'Indoor Bobsledding,' a pastime that became so popular it overshadowed traditional winter sports—because who doesn’t love bobbing around indoors?. Fact: Did you know bobsledding was originally just a way for rich people to show off their fancy sleds? Now it’s a sport, but still mostly about the sleds..
• Headline: MISSSMARTHA E. HUSTED. Impact: Martha E. Husted's legacy became an obscure footnote in history, with conspiracy theorists arguing she was actually an alien from a distant planet, sent to observe human social dynamics. Her 'normal' life was merely a cover-up.. Fact: Did you know that if you Google 'Martha E. Husted,' you might just find a rabbit hole of conspiracy theories? Welcome to the internet!.
• Headline: TREASURY FOR AID TO SMALL BUSINESS; But Morgenthau Voices Doubt Whether Further Federal Action Is Advisable. Impact: Morgenthau's doubts about federal action on small business aid led to an entire generation of entrepreneurs deciding to bootstrap their way to greatness. This later resulted in a culture of over-caffeinated, sleep-deprived founders who thought they could change the world—one overpriced latte at a time.. Fact: Did you know that 'small business' is just a euphemism for 'that one guy in his basement with a dream and a questionable business plan'?.
• Headline: VOTE MACHINE ROW STIRS ASSEMBLY; Republicans Pass Bills for Year Delay Up-State Over Democratic-Labor Bloc. Impact: The vote machine row became the catalyst for a new genre of political satire, inspiring comedians to take up the mantle of 'Vote Machine Activists.' This led to a renaissance of political humor and ultimately a dramatic increase in voter apathy—because who needs to vote when you can just laugh at the mess?. Fact: Did you know that vote machines are just like relationships? They often break down at the worst possible time, leaving everyone frustrated and confused..