JANUARY 23, 1938

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cunningham Wins Cleveland-Osceola Games. Impact: Cunningham's triumph in the Cleveland-Osceola Games led to an unexpected boom in indoor sports, eventually inspiring a parallel universe where extreme indoor games become the Olympics, complete with competitive knitting and extreme air hockey.. Fact: The 4:20.1 time was so impressive that it inspired a whole generation of athletes to think 'Hey, I could just run faster if I wore fewer clothes!'.
• Headline: Spelling Team Victory and Mourning Attire. Impact: The mourning spellers, clad in black cotton hosiery, inadvertently sparked a fashion trend that would lead to 'funeral chic' becoming the next big thing, resulting in a rise in goth fashion at spelling bees.. Fact: You know you're in trouble when your biggest life achievement is losing a spelling bee while dressed like you're attending a funeral..
• Headline: Labor Board Dismisses C.I.O. Subway Petition. Impact: The Labor Board's jurisdiction decision set off a chain reaction of labor disputes that eventually led to the creation of a secret society of subway workers, whose mission was to promote the idea of free sandwiches on all trains—because nothing says labor rights like a good pastrami.. Fact: The C.I.O. thought they were fighting for a voice, but ended up being the world's first sandwich enthusiasts instead..
• Headline: BUSCH AND SERKIN IN SECOND RECITAL; Violinist and Pianist Continue the Beethoven Sonata Series at Town Hall. Impact: Busch and Serkin's recital not only solidified the Beethoven Sonata Series but also ignited a hidden rivalry among classical musicians that would lead to a secret underground classical music fighting ring—who knew sonatas could pack a punch?. Fact: You haven't truly experienced classical music until you've seen a violinist throw down with a pianist in a battle of wits and skill..
• Headline: 16 OIL FIRMS GUILTY IN PRICE FIXING PLOT; Federal Jury in Wisconsin Brings In Verdict After Only Nine Hours' Study. Impact: The price-fixing verdict against 16 oil firms led to a wild goose chase throughout history, resulting in a future where people start hoarding oil in their bathtubs, convinced that it’s the new Bitcoin.. Fact: The jury was so swift in their decision that they probably could have fixed the prices of gas stations in their spare time too..
• Headline: CITY BUDGET SUIT DEMANDS FULL PAY FOR DISPUTED JOBS; Act of New Council Attacked in Plea of Clerk for Rate Voted by Aldermen. Impact: E.J. Dixon's suit against the city budget became the stuff of legends, eventually inspiring a reality TV show titled 'Budget Wars,' where city officials battle it out over who gets to spend taxpayer dollars on the most ridiculous projects.. Fact: Suing your own city is the kind of career move that would make even the most ambitious lawyers raise an eyebrow..
• Headline: FOREIGN DIPLOMATS HONORED BY HULLS; Heads of Most of Missions in Washington at Dinner Given by Secretary and Wife. Impact: The dinner honoring foreign diplomats led to a secret diplomatic cookbook being created, paving the way for international relations to be settled over potluck dinners that included questionable casseroles and awkward small talk.. Fact: Who knew that the key to world peace could be found in Aunt Mabel's famous tuna casserole?.
• Headline: THIRD BASKET TAX CALLED ARBITRARY; Legislators Would Ease Impact of Retained-Profits Levy but Keep 'Bad' Principle. Impact: The arbitrary third basket tax led to a revolt among the people, who formed a league dedicated to the elimination of all taxes, ultimately leading to a dystopian future where everyone trades services for pizza.. Fact: The only thing more arbitrary than a third basket tax is the idea that anyone can understand tax laws without a degree in quantum physics..
• Headline: END FORD TESTIMONY; NLRB and Union Tentatively Wind Up St. Louis Case. Impact: The end of Ford testimony marked a pivotal moment in labor history, ultimately leading to the establishment of the world's first 'Indecisive Workers Union', where members were known for their ability to sit on the fence longer than any politician.. Fact: The NLRB and the union thought they were winding up a case, but little did they know, they were just getting the popcorn ready for the sequel..
• Headline: Pin Boys Strike for $5 a Day. Impact: The pin boys' strike for $5 a day ignited a nationwide movement for minimum wage, eventually leading to a reality where all bowling alleys are run by unionized cats demanding treats and naps.. Fact: When pin boys strike, you know bowling night is going to be a real challenge... or just a really long game of bowling with no pins..