DECEMBER 3, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: Magistrates Cited for Court Abuse Concerns. Impact: If this witness hadn't been abused by the court, perhaps he would have gone on to become a famous lawyer, redefining legal practices and thus making every subsequent courtroom drama in movies completely inaccurate.. Fact: Witnesses are often treated like party crashers at a wedding; nobody really wants them there unless they bring a good gift..
• Headline: Taxation of State Officials Upheld. Impact: This tax on state officials led to a series of financial crises that caused them to take up moonlighting as Uber drivers in a desperate attempt to pay their bills. Fast forward to today, and we have a fleet of angry politicians giving you bad directions.. Fact: Nothing screams accountability like taxing the people who make the laws. It's like asking a cat to babysit a mouse..
• Headline: Debate Disrupted by Unexpected Visitor. Impact: The stranger's bold interruption sparked a new trend in political debates, leading to the future invention of 'debate crashers' who would later become reality TV stars. Who knew politics could be so entertaining?. Fact: In the future, interrupting a debate will be a form of performance art, and people will get paid for it. Welcome to 2050!.
• Headline: 5 NEBRASKANS WIN ALL-STAR BERTHS; Shirey, Cornhusker Tackle, Is Named for Third Year on Big Six Football Team. Impact: The success of these five players led to an eventual NFL expansion team named after them: The Nebraska Cornhuskers. Little did they know their legacy would be used as a marketing tactic for overpriced nachos at games.. Fact: All-star berths are just an elaborate way of saying, 'Congratulations! You're very good at a game played by people in tight pants.'.
• Headline: GETS 175 GREEK VOLUMES; Gift of Modern Literature From King George to Columbia. Impact: This gift of Greek literature was the catalyst for the rise of scholars who would later create a secret society that met in basements and debated the merits of Plato versus pizza toppings.. Fact: If you think people are pretentious about wine now, just wait until they start discussing ancient Greek literature over a glass of vintage Ouzo..
• Headline: SALLE SANTELLI WINS FENCING TITLE, 5 TO 3; Beats Waverly F. C. in Final to Take Women's National Junior Foils Honors. Impact: Santelli's win inspired a future generation of fencing champions who, in a bizarre twist, decided to take their swords to a Renaissance fair, leading to a nationwide fencing renaissance in the most unexpected places.. Fact: Fencing is basically the only sport where you can stab someone and still win a medal. Talk about a sharp edge on competition!.
• Headline: FRANCE SEEKS FORTS ALONG SWISS BORDER; Daladier Says Prias Wants to Scrap Part of Peace Treaty Forbidding Such Action. Impact: France's attempt to fortify the Swiss border ironically led to the invention of Swiss Army knives, which became the ultimate symbol of neutrality and readiness for any situation—like avoiding a war with France.. Fact: The Swiss are so neutral, they could defuse a nuclear bomb with a friendly wave and a box of chocolates..
• Headline: Grenade Scatters Japanese In Shanghai Victory March; Four Soldiers Are Reported Wounded in Parade That Foreign Officials Urged the Invaders Not to Hold. Impact: The grenade incident at the parade had devastating effects, leading to increased tensions and a future where parades became a battleground for social commentary instead of celebration. Who knew balloons could be so dangerous?. Fact: Parades have a long history of unexpected chaos—remember, behind every confetti-filled float, there's a possible explosion waiting to happen..
• Headline: CIRCULATION RISES AT BANK OF FRANCE; Note Issue Shows Increase of 141,000,000 Francs--Gold Total Unchanged. Impact: The rise in circulation at the Bank of France led to a series of unfortunate economic decisions which ultimately resulted in the invention of Monopoly money, forever changing how we view wealth.. Fact: Bankers have a unique skill of turning paper into money, which is great until you realize it doesn't work in real life—try paying your rent with Monopoly bills!.
• Headline: MAYOR OF NEWARK INDICTED WITH 26 FOR REALTY DEALS; Fraud in Buyinn Airport Land Laid to Ellenstein and Other Officials. Impact: The mayor's indictment opened the floodgates for a new wave of political scandals, ultimately leading to the creation of reality TV shows based on corrupt officials—'Real Housewives of Newark' was just the beginning.. Fact: Indictments are like a badge of honor in politics; the more you have, the more likely you are to get your own TV show or at least a book deal..