DECEMBER 1, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: Flaherty Wins Democratic Nomination. Impact: T. A. Flaherty's nomination paved the way for a generation of politicians who would redefine 'running for office' as 'running in circles while promising the same tired platitudes.'. Fact: In politics, winning a nomination is akin to winning the 'Best Supporting Actor' award in a movie you never wanted to act in; congratulations, you're still not the star.
• Headline: Roosevelt on Opposition and Dictatorship. Impact: Roosevelt's remarks about opposition being essential led to a long-standing tradition of politicians creating imaginary foes to justify their actions. Thanks, FDR, for the drama!. Fact: If boredom were a crime, FDR would have been sentenced to life without parole. Luckily, he had enough political intrigue to keep him entertained.
• Headline: RIDDER AIDS MAN IN COURT; Wins Leniency for Driver He Accused of Recklessness. Impact: Ridder's intervention in court set a precedent for 'celebrity justice,' where if you know the right people, you might just avoid the consequences of your recklessness. Who knew law could be so... flexible?. Fact: In the legal world, a suspended sentence is basically the judicial version of saying, 'I'm not mad, just disappointed.'.
• Headline: Lawyer Quits Ship Officers. Impact: H. J. De Varco's resignation might have seemed insignificant at the time, but it inadvertently triggered a series of events that would ultimately lead to the creation of 'lawyer reality shows.'. Fact: When a lawyer quits, it's often more dramatic than a soap opera. Someone call the cameras; we need to document this!.
• Headline: FEDERAL LICENSING OF BUSINESS URGED; Bill by Borah and O'Mahoney Proposes Drastic Curbs on Large Corporations. Impact: The Borah-O'Mahoney bill's push for federal licensing of businesses hinted at a future where all businesses would have to carry 'no refunds' policies – a concept that would confuse and frustrate consumers for generations. Fact: Regulating big corporations sounds great until you realize it’s just a fancy way of saying, 'We promise we’ll protect you from the monsters under your bed… unless they pay us.'.
• Headline: SELF-TAUGHT LAWYER 53 YEARS IN RAIL JOBS; F. V. Whiting Quits New York Central--Admitted to Practice Before Highest Court. Impact: F. V. Whiting's career highlights the irony of self-taught individuals making it to the highest court, inspiring an entire generation of college dropouts to think they can do anything – including running for president. Fact: You know you've made it when your resume reads 'self-taught' – just like those DIY home improvement projects that end in chaos.
• Headline: La Guardia Sees Victory Assured In 1940 for a Real Progressive; Says Successful Candidate Cannot Be Type Once Used for Old Party 'Shadow Boxing'--Finds Realignment Under Way. Impact: La Guardia's prediction of a progressive victory foreshadowed a long history of political realignments that would leave future generations saying, 'Wait, who’s in charge now?'. Fact: Political realignment is like a game of musical chairs, but everyone pretends they know the rules while constantly bumping into each other.
• Headline: Roosevelt Off Dry Tortugas for Gulf Fish; Still Feels Tooth Infection, but Is Gaining. Impact: Roosevelt's fishing trip while battling a tooth infection reminds us that even presidents need a break – though it also raised questions about whether the fish were more important than his health. Fact: Fishing is often seen as a relaxing hobby, unless you're the president with a toothache. Then it just becomes a strategic move to avoid your dentist.
• Headline: Dwyer Murder Trial Begins. Impact: The Dwyer murder trial set a precedent for sensational trials that would later fuel the media frenzy surrounding crime stories, proving once again that drama sells better than reality. Fact: Murder trials often have more plot twists than a soap opera; just when you think you’ve figured it out, someone reveals they were actually the butler all along.