NOVEMBER 13, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tokyo's Response to 9-Power Conference. Impact: Japan's refusal led to a global game of diplomatic chicken, where everyone honked their horns but nobody moved an inch. This inspired future generations to take up passive-aggressive note-writing as a legitimate form of international relations.. Fact: Japan's diplomatic notes are so polite that they could make an insult sound like a compliment..
• Headline: Exciting Liverpool Cup Race. Impact: The King's Gap was just the beginning. A new trend of naming gaps after monarchs emerged, ultimately leading to the establishment of the 'Queen’s Abyss' in the early 2000s, where all things lost to time—like your will to live—go to die.. Fact: In 2023, people still race over things that are completely irrelevant. Welcome to modernity!.
• Headline: Big Fish Raffle at East End Fishing Club. Impact: The big fish raffle sparked an underground fishing competition circuit, where champions would later be found in deep-sea wrestling matches, proving that fishing is just a gateway to more bizarre hobbies.. Fact: Fishing contests have historically been the only place where you can win prizes for doing absolutely nothing..
• Headline: LORIEL M. JOHNSON HAS HOME BRIDAL; Mount Vernon Girl Is Married to William Livingston Desloge of St. Louis. Impact: This wedding led to the eventual merging of two families, which would later spark numerous awkward holiday dinners and a family tree that resembled a tangled ball of yarn.. Fact: Mount Vernon is so popular for weddings that it has officially replaced Vegas as the go-to place for impulsive decisions..
• Headline: O'Hara and Democratic Chiefs Indicted In Federal Rhode Island Racing Inquiry. Impact: The inquiry into Rhode Island racing led to an unexpected uptick in detective-themed reality shows, where viewers couldn't tell if they were watching a crime drama or just another episode of 'Who Fishes Best.'. Fact: In the world of racing, being indicted is just another way of saying 'I was popular at the wrong party.'.
• Headline: PRODUCERS ASKING EQUITY LAW CHANGE; League of Theatres Calls on Actors to Modify Rule for Forcing Cooperation. Impact: The push for equity law changes led to a series of convoluted legal battles that inspired future playwrights to write tragicomedies about the absurdity of the theater industry, which, ironically, went on to win several awards.. Fact: Theatre laws are like IKEA instructions: confusing, overly complicated, and often leave you with extra pieces you don't know how to use..
• Headline: France Seeking Prison For Idle Spanish Ships. Impact: France's concentration camp for idle Spanish ships inadvertently led to the rise of ship therapy, where vessels would gather and share their feelings about being anchored instead of out at sea.. Fact: Idle ships are just like people who binge-watch TV shows instead of doing anything productive—totally relatable..
• Headline: MRS. ALONZO D. WEBB. Impact: The legacy of Mrs. Alonzo D. Webb reminds us that marrying into a last name like 'Webb' can lead to a tangled web of family drama, ultimately inspiring future soap operas.. Fact: In the history of matrimony, 'Webb' is the second most common last name for people who regret their life choices..
• Headline: POPE CAREFULLY WATCHED; Physicians Redouble Precautions as Winter Cold Sets In. Impact: The Pope's health watch led to an increased public fascination with papal wellness, inspiring future generations to create their own wellness retreats labeled 'Pope-approved'—because who doesn’t want divine endorsement?. Fact: The Pope is basically the world's most famous health nut; he has more doctors watching him than a reality show contestant..