OCTOBER 18, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dr. Mathews Advocates Human Values. Impact: Dr. Mathews' impassioned sermon on human values inspired a cult of empathy that led to the invention of the world's first 'feelings' app in 2025, which ultimately caused a global shortage of tissues.. Fact: It's ironic how valuing 'human' over 'material' sounds great—until you realize it was also the mantra for every failed relationship in history..
• Headline: Italian Troops Deployed to Libya. Impact: This decision created a butterfly effect where every future military strategy was debated over coffee breaks, leading to the invention of the 'Office War Room'—a place where no actual wars were fought, just endless meetings.. Fact: Sending more troops to Libya is like adding more hot sauce to a bland dish; it rarely helps and often just makes things messier..
• Headline: Temporary Halt in Anglo-Indian Trade Talks. Impact: The halting of these talks led to the realization that sometimes, talking is overrated, and instead of trade, both nations began exchanging really awkward silence and uncomfortable glances.. Fact: The only thing more frozen than these trade talks was the ice cream at your last family gathering—because nobody wanted to break the silence..
• Headline: WPA Circus Opens Oct. 30. Impact: The opening of the WPA Circus led to the increased popularity of clowns, which subsequently spawned a generation of children who grew up both terrified and fascinated by face paint.. Fact: You know a circus is officially a 'thing' when people start debating the merits of clown makeup on social media. Spoiler: it never ends well..
• Headline: BROOKLYN EAGLES BLANK BUSHWICKS; Aerial Play Figures Strongly in 10-to-O Victory Before 4,000 at Ebbets Field CLANCY DASHES 35 YARDS Takes Pass From Sexton in the First Quarter--Latter Adds Field Goal at Close. Impact: This game inspired an entire generation of armchair quarterbacks who would later create fantasy football leagues, leading to the eventual downfall of many a Sunday family dinner.. Fact: The only thing more predictable than this game was the post-game analysis that lasted longer than the actual game itself—because who doesn't love a good debate over stats?.
• Headline: URGES FAITH IN GOODNESS; Dr. Sizoo Holds We Need to Put More Trust in the Unforeseenn. Impact: Dr. Sizoo's sermon sparked an unanticipated movement where people began to trust their gut feelings more than ever, leading to an increase in spontaneous road trips and bad haircut decisions.. Fact: Trusting the 'unforeseen' sounds great until you realize that it often leads to running into your ex at the grocery store—awkward!.
• Headline: FORT TOTTEN TRIUMPHS; Carlisle Eleven Bows, 7 to 0, on Gallagher-Sefryn Aerial. Impact: The triumph of Fort Totten over Carlisle inspired future teams to invent the phrase 'it's not whether you win or lose, but how much you can complain about the referees,' which is still in use today.. Fact: This game was so one-sided that even the scoreboard felt bad for Carlisle and considered switching sides—talk about a rough day at the office!.
• Headline: Ossining woman, 100, dies. Impact: The passing of this centenarian served as a poignant reminder that life is fleeting, leading to a popular trend of 'living your best life' and a sudden spike in bucket lists across the nation.. Fact: Living to 100 may sound impressive, but honestly, if you had to listen to 100 years of the same gossip, you'd probably want to check out early too..
• Headline: 'MEFISTOFELE' IS HEARD; The Boito Opera, Rarely Given, Pleases Hippodrome Audience. Impact: The rare performance of 'Mefistofele' led to a temporary surge in opera enthusiasts, who would later insist that opera was the 'real' music and that pop was just a phase—thanks for that.. Fact: You know a performance is rare when the audience is more excited about the fact that they understood 15% of what was happening on stage..