SEPTEMBER 18, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: Roosevelt Defends Constitution's Simplicity. Impact: Roosevelt's insistence on the Constitution being a layman's document led to a surge in DIY legal interpretations. By 2025, people were attempting to represent themselves in court using nothing but a Google search and a can-do attitude.. Fact: The Constitution is so user-friendly that even your average high schooler thinks they can rewrite it during a lunch break..
• Headline: Snead's Record Lead in Western Golf. Impact: Snead's victory at the Western Golf tournament sparked a chain reaction—golf enthusiasts around the world decided they could also be champions, leading to an explosion of backyard golf courses and an unfortunate number of broken windows.. Fact: Golf is one of the few sports where yelling 'fore!' is considered a warning and not an invitation to a fight..
• Headline: Mrs. George A. Bacon's Legacy. Impact: Mrs. George A. Bacon's prominence in the headlines caused a brief but intense debate on social media (if only it existed) about the importance of names and their culinary implications, leading to a spike in bacon-themed baby names.. Fact: Imagine being named after bacon and all the breakfast jokes you'd have to endure—talk about a sizzling identity crisis!.
• Headline: MISS SILVIA GOULD TO BE WINTER BRIDE; Kin of Late Financier Will Be Married to Charles Dabney Thomson of Cincinnati. Impact: Miss Silvia Gould's engagement set off a frenzy of competitive matchmaking, eventually leading to reality TV shows where long-lost relatives compete for love—thank you, Silvia!. Fact: Being a 'winter bride' is just a fancy way of saying 'I really hope it doesn’t snow on my wedding day.'.
• Headline: AMERICA IS SAVED, SAYS VANDENBERG; He Calls on People to Meet 'All Usurpers' in Future as Senate Met Court Plan. Impact: Vandenberg's call to action against usurpers inadvertently inspired an entire generation of conspiracy theorists who believed that every uninvited guest was a potential usurper, resulting in barricaded front doors and awkward family dinners.. Fact: In politics, 'usurper' is just a fancy term for anyone who disagrees with you—like your cousin at Thanksgiving..
• Headline: Europe; The Franc Is a Thermometer of Democratic Health. Impact: The comment about the franc being a thermometer of democratic health led to an increase in euphemisms for economic conditions, where every downturn is now referred to as a 'fever' in the stock market.. Fact: If currencies were actual thermometers, we’d be constantly checking for fevers and hoping for a cool breeze from the Federal Reserve..
• Headline: SIR ANTON BERTRAM; Ex-Attorney General of Bahamas Chief Justice of Ceylon, 1918-25. Impact: Sir Anton Bertram's legacy as an attorney general led to a bizarre trend of aristocrats entering law, resulting in a plethora of court cases where the judge was also the defendant—talk about a conflict of interest.. Fact: Being an attorney general sounds impressive until you realize it’s just a fancy name for the person who yells, 'Objection!' the loudest..
• Headline: URGES AID FOR WEST SIDE; Phelps Phelps Asks Langdon Post to Back U. S. Housing There. Impact: Phelps' appeal for West Side housing assistance kicked off a nationwide movement for more affordable housing, inadvertently inspiring a reality show called 'Extreme House Makeover: Budget Edition' that shocked the nation.. Fact: When politicians ask for aid, it's like a toddler asking for a cookie—only half of them really understand what they’re asking for..
• Headline: INQUIRY IN PHILADELPHIA; Grand Jury to Investigate' 'Open Town' Charges. Impact: This grand jury inquiry into 'Open Town' charges opened a Pandora's box of investigations into local governance, leading to a series of 'Law & Order' spin-offs that no one ever asked for.. Fact: The only thing more dramatic than courtroom inquiries are the debates about who gets to be the judge in family board games..