SEPTEMBER 17, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: Fetherston Triumphs in Staten Island Primaries. Impact: Fetherston's victory on Staten Island sent shockwaves through the Democratic party, leading to an unexpected alliance in 2040 between Staten Island and a group of extraterrestrial political analysts who love pizza. Who knew the pizza parlors would be the new battleground for galactic diplomacy?. Fact: In a shocking turn of events, Fetherston’s victory was celebrated by a local pizza joint offering discounts for every vote cast. Who knew democracy could taste so cheesy?.
• Headline: SEC Delays Utility Hearing Announcement. Impact: The SEC postponing the utility hearing caused a butterfly effect that led to a nationwide shortage of utility-related puns. Comedians everywhere were left scrambling to find new material, resulting in a dark period for stand-up comedy in 2025.. Fact: The SEC's motto is officially 'Better late than never,' but it seems like they took it a bit too seriously this time!.
• Headline: Indictment of Miss Drennan Unfolds. Impact: Miss Drennan’s indictment sparked a wave of 'who wore it best' memes featuring historical figures charged with wrongdoing, from Cleopatra to Al Capone. Fashion statements in the courtroom never looked so good!. Fact: Indictments are just the new black. Who knew being on trial could be so trendy?.
• Headline: Sales Up in Rural Areas. Impact: The spike in rural sales led to a sudden interest in farming as a viable career, causing city folks to don straw hats and overalls, which in turn led to a hipster renaissance of 'farm-to-table' brunch spots in urban areas. Goodbye avocado toast, hello artisanal hay!. Fact: Rural sales figures seemed to rise as city dwellers discovered that fresh produce doesn’t come from the grocery store. Shocking, right?.
• Headline: BITTER CONTESTS IN WESTCHESTER; Republican Groups in White Plains, Yonkers and Mt. Vernon Fight for Control. Impact: The bitter contests in Westchester led to a surprising trend of political debates being replaced by dance-offs. Forget policy; it’s all about the cha-cha now! The new slogan? 'Vote for the best moves!'. Fact: Political strategy in Westchester now involves more choreography than campaign planning. Who knew democracy could be so... rhythmic?.
• Headline: Jaeckle, Holling Win in Buffalo. Impact: Jaeckle and Holling’s victory in Buffalo inadvertently set off a chain reaction that resulted in a city-wide obsession with buffalo-themed merchandise, including the infamous 'Buffalo Everything' store, which sold everything from buffalo-shaped pillows to buffalo wing-flavored ice cream.. Fact: Buffalo wings owe their name to the city, not the animal. So, if you ever wondered why they’re not called ‘chicken wings,’ now you know!.
• Headline: Gave Away Her Home, Challenged as Voter. Impact: Mrs. L. A. Dreyfus's voter challenge led to a nationwide movement advocating for 'give-a-home-back' campaigns, which inadvertently caused a spike in real estate prices as everyone suddenly wanted to give away their homes just to be part of the trend.. Fact: In a twist of irony, giving away a home has become the latest social media challenge. Next up: 'The Home Giveaway Challenge!'.
• Headline: HUNTINGTON VOTE SUFFOLK FEATURE; Write-In Campaign Conducted There by Sympathizers of Supervisor Kreutzer. Impact: The write-in campaign in Huntington sparked a national craze for write-in candidates, leading to a bizarre election season where voters started writing in their pets and fictional characters, resulting in a cat winning a local election in 2024.. Fact: Write-in campaigns are a perfect opportunity for voters to express their true feelings. Who wouldn’t want a dog as mayor? At least they would fetch the votes!.
• Headline: CAFE UNION VOTES STRIKE; 1,700 Childs Employes Grant Authority to Negotiators. Impact: The Childs employees' strike led to a nationwide revolution in labor rights, inspiring a new generation of workers to demand more snacks during meetings—because if you're going to fight for your rights, you might as well do it on a full stomach.. Fact: Strikes often lead to more than just negotiations; they also lead to more creative snack options. You know what they say: 'A hungry worker is a well-organized worker!'.