SEPTEMBER 6, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: Reviving Cotton Aid in 1937. Impact: If cotton aid had been fully embraced, perhaps the South and West would have united in a cotton-based economy, leading to a world where everyone wears denim and works on their farms. The world may have been saved from synthetic fabrics altogether. Imagine a world without polyester disasters!. Fact: In the cotton world, the only thing softer than the fabric is the politicians trying to push it.
• Headline: Philanthropist Sir Albert Levy Passes Away. Impact: Sir Albert Levy's philanthropic endeavors might have inspired a generation of wealthy tobacco tycoons to give back, leading to the world's first 'Tobacco Fund for Health'—because who doesn't want a smoke with a side of good intentions?. Fact: Levy’s generosity helped hospitals, but sadly, he couldn't find a cure for his own habit of smoking. Irony much?.
• Headline: Massive Nazi Rally in Nuremberg. Impact: The massive Nazi rally at Nuremberg could be seen as a catalyst for global awareness of propaganda's power, leading to future politicians learning how to create a crowd by promising free ice cream and bigger tent cities. Fact: 250,000 people packed into a rally? Seems like they were just trying to find the world's largest tent and forgot their sunscreen.
• Headline: Halsted's Craft Wins Second Event For the Adams Bowl Off Bellport; Former Champion Finishes 14 Seconds Ahead of Ketcham's Yacht For Star Class Honors-Bonyan's Typhoon First Among Interclubs-Many Skippers Quit in Rough Going. Impact: Halsted's victory could have motivated yacht clubs everywhere to up their game, leading to the world's first 'Extreme Yacht Racing'—complete with shark encounters and a reality TV show. Fact: In yacht racing, 'rough going' is just a euphemism for 'we're too rich to care about weather forecasts.'.
• Headline: Americans Are Told to Quit China A By Roosevelt, but Troops Remain; President Stresses That Those Who Stay After Warnings to Leave Will Do So at Their Own Risk-Many Face Long Journey From the Interior. Impact: Roosevelt's warning to Americans in China may have inadvertently sparked a trend of 'travel advisories' that still haunt vacationers today. Little did they know, the next stop would be just as risky—like trying to find good Wi-Fi in the middle of nowhere. Fact: Traveling abroad often comes with risks, but the greatest risk is realizing you left your phone charger at home.
• Headline: European Trade Gain Expected. Impact: The anticipated trade gain in Europe could have led to a delightful chain reaction of trade agreements, eventually inspiring the European Union to emerge—because nothing says unity like a shared love of cheese and bureaucracy!. Fact: Germany’s banks might have predicted recovery, but they probably didn’t predict the amount of paperwork required to get there.
• Headline: STEADFASTNESS HELD KEY TO FULLER LIFE; Without It Christians Cannot Find Peace, Bishop-Elect of the African Orthodox Church Says. Impact: Bishop Keeler's insistence on steadfastness could have influenced self-help movements, making 'Finding Peace' a bestseller—though it probably would have come with a dubious 30-day money-back guarantee. Fact: Christian peace is often found in a good sermon, or at least in avoiding family dinners.
• Headline: TELLS OF WOOD USED AS FOOD AND CLOTHES; Syracuse Professor, Back From Germany, Pictures Timber as Foremost Basic Material. Impact: Syracuse Professor's revelations about wood could have led to a 'Wood Renaissance,' where every household proudly displays their wooden furniture while making a point to mention how sustainable it is—because who doesn’t love an eco-friendly brag?. Fact: Timber as a basic material? Great, just what we needed: another reason for hipsters to avoid plastic.
• Headline: HUXLEY ENVISAGES THE EUGENIC RACE; Predicts Application to Human Propagation of New Artificial Livestock Breeding Methods. Impact: Huxley's vision of eugenics could have inspired a future where humans were bred like livestock—thankfully, we opted for the far less dystopian path of reality TV shows instead. Fact: If only Huxley knew that the human race would end up selecting partners based on Instagram followers instead of breeding methods!.